shaunc12,
Okay, finally finished reading your script -- I should have been working, but what the hey
I liked your main character. I liked the opening action scenes. They were 'page turners' until our boy hits Warren, PA. After that I'm afraid the story just died.
Granted, I was rooting for Steve/Mike to get his act together, fall in love, melt into obscurity, but....
Ken happens. Way too much coincidence that Ken -- a Social Security investigator from Pittsburgh -- had a relationship with Jackie and is Lena's father. That… took me right out of the story.
And, to be honest, I didn’t care for the ending. You had me rooting for Steve/Mike through the whole movie – we want to see him succeed – then you have him kill Lena’s father right before her eyes and just walk off. I just don’t believe your boy Steve/Mike would do that. Just don’t.
Also, you have a tendency to add superfluous words and phrases to your action/description lines which slow the reading.
For example, you write:
EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
The lot surrounds the massive shopping mall from all sides. Nearly every parking space is occupied by a vehicle. A steady flow of Shoppers come and go through the mall’s entrance doors.
Steve sprints into the lot from the sidewalk. Two more police cruisers race into the lot from the entrance ahead of him.
Steve turns and runs towards the opposite side of the mall.
Another cruiser speeds by on the road ahead of him. Steve stops. He drops the ground in between two cars. He crawls quickly along the cement.
Suddenly, a leg appears in front of Steve. He swiftly throws his elbow into the leg with great force.Instead, something along the lines of:
EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
The lot surrounds the massive shopping mall and nearly every parking space is occupied. A steady flow of Shoppers comes and goes.
Steve sprints into the lot as two more police cruisers scream past. He turns -- runs in the opposite direction.
Another cruiser roars into the lot -- Steve drops between two cars -- crawls along the cement.
A LEG appears in front of Steve. He rams his elbow into the leg.--------------------------------------------------------
As far as your scene headings, try writing them from the general to the more specific.
EXT. PATIO, ICE CREAM SHOP – DAYTry,
EXT. ICE CREAM SHOP - PATIO – DAYOther examples follow:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Down at the curb, two relaxed Police Officers lean
against a prisoner transport vehicle. In front of them a
Parking Enforcer slaps a ticket onto the windshield of a
blue mini-van. Surrounding pedestrians stream along the
sidewalk.You might want to take your scene descriptions from the general to the specific – not the other way around.
Pedestrians stream along the sidewalk. At the curb, two Police Officers lean against a prisoner transport vehicle. In front of them a Parking Enforcer slaps a ticket onto the windshield of a blue mini-van.--------------------------------------------------------
EXT. PATIO, ICE CREAM SHOP - DAY
The tiny shop sits on the corner of a decaying plaza. The patio area that look out onto the busy street. Across the street there is a massive shopping mall.Again, lead from the general to the specific:
EXT. ICE CREAM SHOP - PATIO – DAY
The tiny shop sits at the corner of a decaying plaza. The patio looks out onto a busy street – faces a massive shopping mall.--------------------------------------------------------
A light snow falls from the sky.
He watches as a pair of youthful looking Teenagers pay at
the cash register.Again, superfluous words.
A light snow falls.
He watches a pair of Teenagers pay at the cash register.All you need.
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A cramped, square room. Three wooden dressers line the walls. A single bed sits in the middle of the room. Steve and Jackie lies asleep on the bed. Their naked bodies dangle off of the edges of the mattress.Be careful: ‘…Steve and Jackie lies asleep…’ should be
‘…Steve and Jackie lie asleep…’
Their naked bodies dangle off of the edge of the mattress.-----------------------------------------------------------
Steve steps onto the dresser and looks out the window. A police cruiser sits at the curb with its SIRENS FLASHING.
Think you meant lights flashing.
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You have the makings of an exciting and fast-paced script in your hands. You only need to take the time to tighten your descriptions and bring Ken into the picture without being Lena’s father. It will still work. Corrupt government official – what’s not to hate.
Good job – get back at it and,
Keep Writing!
