Jeremiah - a movie about teen suicide and bullying

[writewoman]

"Jeremiah" recounts the events that lead up to a 15 year old boy committing bullycide (a suicide caused by bullying) in flashbacks and explores the effects of his death in interviews with his mother, bullies, classmates, and school administration.

I am currently in pre-production. Your input is priceless!

Attachments:

[mscherer]

writewoman,

Can't coment on the formatting as this document is in WORD and the lines were skewed somewhat. That said....

As a short this will be a powerful film -- normally I am not a big fan of flashbacks, but along with the documentary style of the 'present day' action I think it works well.

As for your writing, well, I have to say it needs another pass. Here's why:

For one, there is a lot of superfluous text. Make your writing leaner, smarter, a faster read. For example:

Damien pushes Jeremiah into the locker. Jeremiah hits the
locker hard and falls to the floor.

Would read faster as:

Damien pushes Jeremiah into a locker. He hits hard, slides to the floor.

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Also, be careful where your characters are in each scene. Below you have a puddle forming at Jeremiah's feet, but he's sitting on the floor.

Damien pushes Jeremiah into the locker. Jeremiah hits the
locker hard and falls to the floor.

DAMIEN
Don't say my name either you fucking
faggot, you hear me?

A puddle forms at the bottom of Jeremiah's foot.
-----------------------------------------------
EXT. SCHOOL - DAY - FLASHBACK

It's after school. It's a sizable amount of STUDENTS hanging
around.
Over use of 'it's' -- try:
After school. A large group of STUDENTS hangs around.

-----------------------------------------------
INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY

It's virtually empty. The clock hanging on the wall reads: 4pm.

Jeremiah peers from around the corner. Checks both ends. Not
a soul in sight. Jeremiah breathes a sigh of relief. The
coast is clear.

Jeremiah heads to his locker.

Could be smoother.

INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY

Empty. A clock on the wall: 4pm.

Jeremiah peers around the corner -- checks the hallway. Not a soul in sight. He breathes a sigh of relief -- heads to his locker.
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Again, be careful about where your characters are. Diane is in her car yet the conversation between her and James makes it seem she is on the porch.

Damien exits the car with an overnight luggage. He walks
towards a house. As he nears, a porch light comes on. JAMES
(38) stands on the porch. He is a handsome, muscular man.

JAMES
Good evening, Diane.

Diane does her best to be cordial.

DIANE
James.

Diane drives off.

Also, 'Damien exits the car with an overnight luggage.' -- clunky wording.
Damien exits the car with an overnight bag. OR
Damien exits the car with his luggage.

---------------------------------------------------
Damien picks at his food on his plate. James and his boyfriend, HENRY (40) plates are almost empty. The tense is almost suffocating.
Uh, no. Try:

Damien picks at his food.
James and his boyfriend, HENRY (40) finish as a suffocating tension fills the room.
---------------------------------------------------
James starts to go after him. Henry places a reassuring hand
on James's leg. James returns to his seat. They sit in silence.

Again, careful about where your characters are. Seems James has already left the table, but you have Henry placing a hand on his leg.

---------------------------------------------------
MISS HAWKINS
I assure you Damien, the lost of
brain cells is the least of your
worries.

'...the loss of brain cells...' not lost.

--------------------------------------------------
Busted, swollen lip. Fresh bruise around his eye. This time
Jeremiah can’t hide his injuries anymore.

Cleaner, leaner:

Busted, swollen lip. Fresh bruise around his eye. This time
Jeremiah can’t hide his injuries.
-------------------------------------------------
Deafly quiet. should be Deathly quiet.
-------------------------------------------------

You have the makings of a wonderful project here, only needs a quick pass to streamline.

Best of luck and,
Keep Writing!

[violet]

I've downloaded this and I'm going to read it soon. I just wanted you to know that comments are coming!

[violet]

My thoughts are:
I think most of the longer scenes with the dialogue can use a good trim. The dialogue sounds a little too much like speech in some places(in the scene where Damien's mother drops him off at his dad's for example), and a little too much like writing in others (like when Stacey and Lauren are speaking). Dialogue sounding like real people is a good thing, but if it's too much like real speech, it can get lengthy and too round-about. Try to cut the back-and-forth/banter, and give every line a reason for being in the script. Or start the scene later. Specifically, I think the breakfast scene can be started later or cut to read quicker.

I think the script is good, the characters are interesting, the way the narrative weaves all their various attitudes together. I think you can do a little more to show us who these characters are- make them pop off the page with a few well chosen details about their appearance that also tell us about their character. Is Lauren a tough cheerleader or a tough welfare kid?

The other thing I wasn't convinced about was the first and last scenes of Jeremiah as a baby. I liked the scene where he learns to talk, but I assumed that we'd either come back to it at the end or it would serve as some sort of metaphor in the script. But when we returned to baby Jeremiah but a different scene from his life, I wasn't sure why that last scene was in there. The scene before it was so gut-wrenching, terrifying and powerful, that the last scene seemed too not-powerful. You might want to considering returning to the first scene at the end and having Jeremiah either begin to walk for the first time then or perhaps have him fall and begin to cry, refusing to get up again.

Overall, this is a powerful script, with a very interesting voice and narrative technique (mixing the interviews, the regular scenes and the home video footage). I liked the inclusion of Damien's story very much, I think it really sets the film apart from being just another sad story. It really gives a much broader look at how complicated and fragile these people and their relationships are. The scene of Charlie finding him had me squirming with horrible anticipation. I'd recommend going through and cutting any information conveyed more than once in the dialogue/actions, tighten the dialogue and scenes. Get to the point as quick as possible. Don't underestimate the audience, or your writing. We'll pick up on the fact that James is Damien's dad, even if his mom doesn't say it.

Great job! I'd love to know how the production goes. Good luck!