A tricky one!

[chilldivine]

Hi everyone! I'm finding nailing this idea down a bit tricky (you're possibly about to see why!) so any thoughts would be very welcome...

Emily takes her best friend Jess to a remote cabin to protect her from her dangerous ex boyfriend, unaware that the danger exists only in Emily's head, and that to Jess she is a derranged stalker holding her hostage.

Thank you!

[mscherer]

First, I would suggest you don't use character names in your logline. Second, the logline is too long. Boil it down to protagonist, antagonist, situation, stakes.

Try something like: A woman hides her psychotic friend from a non-existant threat only to learn her own life is now in danger.

Keep Writing!

[Don777]

Chilldivine,

LOVE the concept! No need me for to weigh in on the logline because mscherer nailed it.

[scott980]

To clarify, Emily has the deranged belief that Jess is in danger from her (Jess's) ex-boyfriend, right?

Possible problems: would Jess freely go with Emily if she knew Emily was deranged? And, if Jess doesn't know, why doesn't she? If she is best friends with Emily and Emily is off her rocker, wouldn't she know?
Maybe it's a recent event that triggers Emily's delusions. Maybe Emily had an abusive boyfriend of her own who battered her, providing the trigger for the delusion in two ways: 1) the battering pushed Emily over the edge (maybe she was already somewhat unstable); 2) it puts boyfriends in general on the suspect list. Then we see Emily in a sympathetic light.

[chilldivine]

Thanks for your input all!

That's right scott980, the threat is in the kidnapper, not the kidnapee's head. So Jess doesn't go freely, although that's a reveal later in the story as to begin with we see things from Emily's point of view.

That's why this one is a bit tough to grab in a logline as there's almost two movies: from Emily's POV she is protecting her "best friend" from a real threat; from Jess's, she woke up in a cabin with a girl she vaguely recognises from her local coffee shop, whom she gradually figures out has been stalking her. In the draft it seems to work (I had a development reading with some actors recently, which got some positive feedback), but it's awfully difficult to sum that central twist up in a sentence!

Will keep battering at it, but thanks again for all your thoughts!

[jl]

You might want to check out Haute Tension ("High Tension" in the US). I probably gave away the spoiler, but it sounds very similar.

[Jeff Messerman]

Definitely dig the concept. Your logline sounds like a great pitch, but, again, Super Mike Scherer, King of the Logline, nailed it for ya'.


Jeff