From logline to draft rom-com

[raraatx]

Thanks for the feedback. I took the story a little different direction, although, I still may change it.

Logline: A dating inept guy learns he comes from a family of ladies’ men and vows to turn his crush into a real relationship in twenty two days or walk away forever.

Synopsis

Douglas Baxter, 33, hasn’t out grown his junior high dating habit of crushes. On a holiday trip home he receives a notebook penned by his grandfather that all the Baxter men swear by. Armed with this new information about the opposite sex and pressure from his friends, Douglas winds up in situations he always dreamed of, but may not be ready for.

SO GLAD WE’RE FRIENDS is a romantic comedy about friendship, heartbreak, some car maintenance, and finding love in your thirties.

Thank you for any who take the time to read it!

Attachments:

[darrenm]

Hey, I'll probably read your draft in the next couple of days.

HOWEVER... before I post any thoughts on it, I'm going to ask that you read someone else's draft, or act, or some scenes, and give them advice. I don't mean to be rude, but GITS Club can't be a one-way street where people just show up to improve their own screenplays... we all have to take turns doing the reading and giving notes to help out the rest of the community as well.

I'm not saying you weren't planning on helping anyone out (you may be reading someone else's draft as I write this!), but in the very limited time you've been a part of this board you've only sought help for your own work, so it'd be great to see you help out someone else on the board!

[raraatx]

darrenm,

Understand it isn't a one way street. Never thought it was.

Perhaps I was the whipping post for the others who post for feedback and haven't provided any. I'm cool with that, but if I don't see the same tone of post copy and pasted to others, I just might think it's personal. []

Feedback and more interaction tonight if work doesn't get in the way.

Thanks,
raraatx

[darrenm]

I wasn't trying to make you the whipping post, and I probably should've PMed that to you. Sorry about that. I haven't told anyone else this same thing because I hadn't been about to read someone's screenplay that hadn't been active on the board (I've only read one other screenplay posted on the board).

As I stated, it wasn't my intention to be rude, and I wasn't ruling out the possibility that you were going to contribute. Nothing personal about it. My apologies!

[mscherer]

raraatx, darrenm,

I think, over time, we will come to understand that when a person asks for feedback, they will reciprocate when time allows. After all, we all have busy lives and it takes time to read a 100+ page script, digest what we have read, then reread it once again while marking down notes.

I look forward to reading both of your contributions in the future and always,
Keep Writing

[darrenm]

Hey Raraatx,

here are those notes I promised. I'm not particularly knowledgeable with formatting, so you'll need someone else to review that.

SPECIFIC THINGS TO CONSIDER CHANGING:

-Title on title page should be all capitalized: "SO GLAD WE'RE FRIENDS"
-Flashback is nice, but maybe goes on a bit too long. I'd almost lose the other boy to keep it brief and punchy.
-P. 1 "under dressed" should be "underdressed." There are a few other spelling errors in here too that need to be cleaned up.
-P. 5 "To a great dinner and of course crushes" needs commas. Like the spelling, there are a number of places that need commas.
-P. 8 I wasn't totally convinced by the bet. It really seems like you're forcing a time constraint that should not exist using a stock "bet" mechanic. Douglas doesn't seem like he'd agree to it.
-P. 9 Uncle Ted "should have done that..." instead of "should of"
-P. 10 - I feel like there is a better way for Matt to discover his lineage than his mom bringing it up. Much like the bet, it seems forced. Maybe he finds the book, or maybe he sees a photo album of his dad with a bunch of different women, etc, but it just seems weird that his mom just brings it up out of the blue, and only now (despite this being a long-running problem).
-The dialogue generally needs a bit of polish, as there are some people using unnatural language. (EX: p. 11, Chloe: "And I figure since you owe me.")
-P. 12 - should Capitalize and emphasize album titles or song titles by Anthony Hamilton, as that block text is confusing.
-P. 12 - what is the favour that he owes Chloe? Is it that he's lending his power cord for her laptop? Because that's not well described and it seems like she just sits next to him and uses her own computer.
-P. 15 - Mongoose dialogue very similar to the "You're like a bear" dialogue from Swingers.
-P. 27 - 20 days? on page 14, Vincent had mouthed "seventeen days"
-Sometimes, the scene description/action goes on too long. It could be briefer, making for a smoother, lighter read.
-The term "bro book" is pretty similar to The Bro Code from How I Met Your Mother. Just something to consider.
-I don't think Douglas should spend the night with Sherri. He's already hanging out with Chloe and Alexis, I feel that she's both unnecessary and also causes the reader/audience to lose sympathy for him, especially since she seems really into him (but he just forgets about her).
-Alexis really confuses me. Why does Alexis suddenly like Doug, or was she bluffing when she told Connor that she had no interest in Douglas? Why did she string him along for SO long, and now only want to hook up with him when she is dating Connor? I'm just not sure what her motivation is for any of this.
-What happened to Chloe on p. 78? I don't understand why she, after dropping so many hints that she wants to be with Douglas, is all of a sudden on a date with someone else. She doesn't realize Doug has hung out with Alexis, she has no reason to be kissing another dude, at least in my opinion. If she's not into the kiss, you have to represent that in the screenplay. It could be that she didn't want it to happen, and Douglas misread what was going on, but the reader doesn't know that.
-Doug should probably do something better than emailing Chloe to apologize. He should meet her in person, otherwise I don't buy it.


BROADER ISSUES:

-A big problem, I think, is that Doug becomes really good with women EXCEPTIONALLY fast. I mean, he does it pretty much immediately, which is impossible. It would be good to show some failures of his before he's successful, to make it more believable. Spend the first part of Act 2 showing him getting drinks thrown in his face, getting left at restaurants, etc, before he becomes a stud.
-There really isn't much tension in here, and I think a lot of that has to do with the lack of clarity in Douglas' goal. He initially wants Alexis, but nothing happens there. Then, he's hanging out with Chloe and we forget about Alexis... but he still doesn't make a move with her. Who is he going after? Why are we interested in his pursuit? What does his relationship with one say about his relationship with the other?
-What happened to the bet? It seems that halfway through the screenplay Douglas and Vinny just forgot all about it.
-Building on that, I think what you have to do is just figure out the structure that you want. I feel like a lot of things happen and it fits a three act structure, but the second act just kind of blurs together without much structure.


THINGS THAT WORK REALLY WELL:
p.4 - getting the valentine's day card that shows the title works well.
I liked your character descriptions. I particularly liked Vincent Ramos' "smile that always looks like he's up to something."
P. 11 - The white collar crime line is great. The mom is a good character.
In fact, in general your characters are great. They are distinct, stand out, and talk like they should. I hate Robbie, but I'm guessing that's the point.
P 26 - fly open joke worked well
You have lots of great jokes in here, actually. Some very funny dialogue. The Notebook joke was great.
I really love that Chloe has all of these Made for TV gadgets. That's fantastic.
Jalapeno scene is very funny. It's great to mix in some physical humour.

CLOSING COMMENTS
Your strength is definitely your characters. I liked the characters a lot, you did a good job of making sure it wasn't just the same character with different names throughout it. That being said, their motivations and desires were a bit hard to grasp, something that could be clarified.

Don't take the amount of criticism the wrong way... it's like that for any screenplay I read, because it's easier to note the things that need work than the things that don't (which I simply smile at and glance over)! Lots of great humour, heartfelt dialogue and good characters, and it's a very good start.

[raraatx]

Hey darrenm,

Thanks for you're review. I know that it takes time to write this and I really appreciate it.

You were right on with the bet. I threw it in to make a time bound event. I don't think it's necessary.

I think the primary deficiency is that the main character Doug is inept by choice, he's addicted to crushes. I need to evaluate how to make this more evident. The primary goal is moving from the fantasy to the reality that relationships go through as we age - from finding "a woman" to finding "the woman".

After your read, it's clear I didn't bring some things out enough.

For Alexis, she starts to like Douglas when she can't have him. She wants to know she always has him on the line, even though she knows she'll never be with him. She always needs someone. I believe I wrote that Connor and she were having problems, that's why she calls Douglas.

Chloe is a self sufficient woman who doesn't need a man. When she puts herself out there Doug is too chicken to move. This prompts her to continue dating.

I'll go through some of the dialogue. Although, I don't get what you mean by unnatural for "And I figure since you owe me." Is it that you wouldn't see this character talking like this or that people don't use this type of speech?

The favor that he owes her is described in the next line Chloe delivers... "for your date spilling water all over me."

I'll re-work it with your feedback in mind.

Thanks for reading it!

Raraatx

[darrenm]

I knew that he owed her a favour for spilling water with her. I guess I wasn't clear, my question is what that favour is! She thanks him, but it doesn't appear that he did anything to make up for spilling water on her. That's why I guessed that it was sharing a power cord.