Hi Helicopters!
First of all, congrats on completing a screenplay! That is the first major hurdle! I would like to give you some pointers, if I could.
First of all, you HAVE to have FADE IN: on your opening page. If you don't, the reader will immediately discard your work. It screams amateur. We don't want that!
First scene: Describe the room. All you say is it's dark. There has to be some kind of light coming in..where is it coming from? Windows? Bathroom door half cracked? The more you can describe in say, three sentences, the better. You have to give the reader something "see".
Any introduction of a character MUST be in all caps. LITTLE GUY. Then with a description: LITTLE GUY, a mid 30's black haired guy, walks with a cane, puffs his cigar. You can say a lot in a little bit of time.
Beware of using words like: SEEMS LIKE, or APPEARS TO BE. Those are deadly. A reader will ask, well, is he or isn't he? If you confuse a reader, they will toss your work. They consider their time way to valuable to try and decipher what you meant. Make it easy for them.
Dialogue: All of your dialogue needs to move the plot forward. I got confused when someone mentioned being handsome. Does that have anything to do with the story? Will it in the end?
No adverbs. I don't know why, but readers hate them. The Little Guy smiles sadistically. You can easily change this to: The Little Guy throws a sadistic smile his way.
I will say, that you lost me too, about page 10. It was never established who the hero was. If you don't establish that within your first 10 pages, again, your reader will use your script in their fireplace. It could just be an issue of swapping some scenes around.
The thing to remember is: you need a hook at the beginning. A well known director said: if there isn't an explosion or a sex scene in the first five pages, I toss it. You have to hook the reader in order to hook an audience.
If you've gotten this far, you obviously have heart and I always pull for anyone wanting to acheive a dream.
I suggest you read a book by Will Akers:
www.yourscreenplaysucks.com/I'm not suggesting your screenplay sucks! But it's invaluable and full of great stuff that can help.
Also, everyone needs to read Save The Cat! By Blake Snyder. He goes on about hooks in there too. In fact, he gives you a beat sheet that you can set your acts to. Another invaluable resource.
Keep working! All screenplays go through at least a hunderd rewrites! Derek Haas (3:10 to Yuma, Wanted) once told me that Wanted was rewritten 84 times before he got it right. And even then through out production there were tweaks.
I hope this helps you. Don't give up!
