Rain-3 Min Movie

[violet]

I wrote this to produce as a spec music video to mika's song Rain, but it's essentially a stand-alone short film. I'm wondering whether to try to produce it along with the other short I'm producing later this month... What do you all think?
It's a mini quirky rom-com, about Emily, a girl who is excited to go on a picnic in the park with her boyfriend, and has to think of a quick plan B when it gets rained out.
I'm curious to know what you think- I've never written anything this short before.

Oh and here's the link to the song, if you want to take a listen:

Attachments:

[tous]

HAha, coincidentally enough, it's raining right now.

The good double stuffed oreo stuff and the bad twist off breakage:

Ok, so I looved the easy playfulness of this script. Such a unique! imaginative place you have created as your story. The Thought Bubbles was a really well thought-out-thought to place in this script. I mean, it REALLY captured the mood and captured me to see what other creative elements were to come from this world. And the way you handled dialogue was pitch-perfect: Short and sweet; flowed with the plot.

As a reader, I was curious as to why she wanted to go to the park so badly- was it only because it was scheduled to be? Or perhaps, something she had down to make her boyfriend happy? As that seemed to be her general focus in her world.
However, to me, he didn't seem too disappointed about the rain. The story starts out with him just going back to sleep so I thought for the overall theme of it all that they should have both been enthused. Okay maybe he has some trouble with the comforters- but I thought it might have worked better if we saw how different she actually was to him, by making the rain split them apart. She still wants to go, he gets all gloomy and disappointed at a little thing of rain to ruin his day.
So that would also mean the rain, for me came a bit too early. The script is called rain, I'm expecting it- but when? So perhaps she opens the door, ready to go- BAM - now it's pouring- drench hard right in her face. It could even wash out her face to suggest that physically it has interrupted her sensible nature, but on the inside she persists. You could even have a cloud say something in a thought bubble like (SORRY...) haha. It would just be even more playful because you already have so many great unreal things interacting with them.
Also, this way her boyfriend can respond to it negatively, while Emily only slighty bothered, sees the sunny side of it- and so begins her attempt to lighten his day.

Ultimetaly in the end, she decides to go- and I thought the kid in the umbrella was great but a little too.. spot on time- egg in the basket- bee in the kettle- too unrealized.
I think a better approach would be, had she opened the door the FIRST time to have it rain, she could maybe see an umbrella in a garbage off in the distance under a tree next to a bench or something. That would suggest a sense of a hope (I.E. Umbrella) to go against the horrible rain.
That way, when she opens it the SECOND time, he will still be unexpected; a boy just as crazy as she, waiting for her.

I think that that- would push your idea even further into the beyond. I also thought, as a viewer, that sometimes the thought bubbles wouldn't match their expressions, which may be funny to play around with.

Anyways, this script by far has an imagination on it's own. It's very inspiring as you can tell by my rambling of ideas that I've had that I'd hope you even just consider on adding to the mix. Let me know if any of this helped, made you cry, or just plain out made you hungry. Best of Luck!

[violet]

Thank you so much for all the feedback! It's definitely got me thinking about how to express more things visually. I definitely agree about the rain coming in too quickly, which I hadn't even considered until you pointed it out! I think I might have the shades down in the beginning as Emily gets ready, and I'm thinking of a way to express that the picnic is Emily's idea of doing something different from their everyday routine.
Thanks for all your thoughtful comments and taking the time to read it!

[tous]

Yes the shades down is an awesome idea, that way it won't seem too serendipitous that it happened to rain the moment she came out (although your tone can definitely pull it off)

Thank you for the read, I enjoyed it.

And if you want to express its something different? maybe when she reads the calender she's looking over all the days that read "Nothing" "Nothing" "Nothing" and then in bright RED or whatever color is "PICNIC!"

thats just one thought but you got it!