Zero:Hour - A Pilot, or Act I of a Screenplay

[fawkesfonseca]

Hello Everyone at GITS Forums! I am *entirely* brand new to this place, and am in need of your expert advice. If any of my requests are not kosher around here, by all means let me know. I literally joined yesterday (though I've been reading the Blog off and on for the better part of a year).

Mine is the same old story: Really love movies/TV + Saw a couple bad movies/TV shows + Thought I could do better = Wrote my first screenplay. A Pilot I call "Zero:Hour." I decided to try a Pilot for my first time out because it sounded more manageable than a full on feature. But if this is not a place where Pilot scripts belong, let me know and I won't take up anymore of your time (although, I'd really appreciate it if you could point me toward a place that *does* welcome TV Scripts).

If Pilots are okay, then here's the rest of my story: My friends (much as I love them) suck at critiques. They're under the impression that "I liked this" or "Hated this" are legitimately helpful phrases, and they don't elaborate past that. I took a Screenwriting class in school (university), but my teacher was a lazy ass whose knowledge of the movie industry ended in 1982. I have NOWHERE to turn.

The attached document is now the 7th or 8th draft (with a polish as recent as 15 minutes ago), so I can confidently say that it's the best 41 pages I can produce with the knowledge I've gained up 'til now. This is license to put me through the ringer, folks! Don't worry about my feelings. F*** my feelings! I'm currently an actor, people dash my dreams and kick me while I'm down on a daily basis, so I can take it.

Basically, this thing is my baby. It's about who I am and what I believe, the things and people I love...all that juicy dramatic s***. It's the encapsulation and study of conflict, a push and pull where something's gotta' give and it's only a matter of time.

Please help me to know whether I have even a snowball's chance in hell of making this work, or if I should burn these pages and myself along with them.

Thank you and at your service,
*FawkesFonseca

Attachments:

[mscherer]

Welcome aboard, fawkesfonseca -- and yes, you are absolutely in the right place.

I have downloaded your pilot and will give it a read later in the day (I'm at work right now, believe it or not).

As for your friends' critique... sometimes words like 'I liked this...' and 'I hated this...' are legitimate comments. Audiences know what they like and don't like even if they cannot put a finger on exactly why. If these comments reference the same scenes/dialogue/action in your script, then there could be a problem. If not, well, you bring it here and let the talented folks at GITS Club voice their opinions.

In the mean time,

Keep Writing!

[fawkesfonseca]

Thanks for the read mscherer! It's greatly appreciated.

Y'know, you're absolutely right about the like/not like comments. I'll have to reevaluate those responses keeping that in mind.

Happy critiquing

[tous]

Hey Fawkes!
For the first 10 pages so far- VERY CLEAR and professionally usage of dialogue. Tone was immediately set as to how serious this was going to be- immediately curious.

The Good Double Stuffed Oreo Stuff and the Bad Twist Breakage:

A bit of a scuffle Well since a scuffle is already a bit, get rid of that. A little thing I caught.

As for this:

A man--VALENTINE--staggers out of it.
Soaked in water, badly beaten...but alive.

You want think about your spacing. Think of lines as little moments in their own. Wouldn't we see Valentine stagger out soaked wet and badly beaten all in one? Also the "..." is not needed for me, I usually see the dots as suspenseful.

I think you should check GITS- I know if you search around you'll find this article Scott wrote on Pulp Fiction's camera direction. The way Quentin writes his sentence-paragraphs shows where and what you see in the camera without even having him mention where it is positioned.

I don't have an I.Q. in layout so I won't touch on that. But always, after you introduce a character you no longer need to CAPITALIZE his name, unless it's used in a proficient way (I have this action sequence in mine where I use it because it follows one character after another, so I needed the emphasis on who you were following: or so i think i can get away with haha)

A computerized beeping Not sure if you need it - since you typed BIP (or even BEEP) - I read in sounds so maybe its just me but having it in CAPS, the script-reader will recognize it as a sound anyways.

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT= no more in flashback right? Since its a new title-ok I didn't want to be confused so I'd make it FLASHBACK END. right before it.

CCRRSSHH. Feedback crackles in both MOWBRY’S and BASE-OPS’
earpieces. INTERCUT PARKED CAR/BRIDGE/ALLEY: MOWBRY,
BASE-OPS, AND VALENTINE. = needs to be on another space.

EXT. PARKED CAR/BRIDGE/ALLEY - I don't think this will work either. It's a lot of inter cutting so- you NEED to make this as easily visible as possible for the reader or else he will forget who is where. So just break up the scenes.

The Agents run full tilt, all pumping fists and gritted teeth, along the expansive bridge as the countdown rolls on - Great Description!

But after this sentence where it goes BIP 30:00:00 if you want the viewer to see it on screen, it either must be a title card, someone reading his watch or someone saying it.

Okay TIME CUT - where are they? Time cut from which scene? All of them running?

He was certain this would make VALENTINE turn, but when he
doesn’t... - It's only what we see or hear. If he thinks something - maybe show him extending his arm as to say "hey come back!" Or Simply. Valentine continues to walk (for example) - then he says "Come back!" again. Good.

AVERY DOWELL--the woman in VALENTINE’S
flashback--as she sits at a patio table, writing diligent
cursive in a journal. - Again, introducing Avery- no need for caps, we met her before- also if we see her right then, add the description right after her, not in another paragraph sentence. Great description though- especially loved the way she writes in script.

RHETT says You chose me. Us!. You chose us. - A question? Surprised? YOU chose us?! I don't think anyone would upon realizing it, if he's not sure- whisper it to himself or plain out say it- so I'll assume it was a question. put he - ? - mark.

I'll stop with the description/sentence structures -you'll need to work on them. And please show not tell = screenwriting is a visual telling. So trim off the fat obese words you don't need, the transitional words, etc, etc. You can cut this down to 35 pages easily.

And unless you really envision the TITLE:" ZERO : HOUR" to be wiped across the screen like that than you do it! But, know that it's usually the directors decision in the editing room where it should go = for future knowledge.

As for the characters - There are a lot that are introduced in the first 20 pages, its very hard to distinguish who is who. And How can we relate to them? Try and create some Empathy. Avery is the closest person I could connect with.

Anyways Fawkes, I only got up to the first 20 or so pages and I have to get going I hope to finish this read later-- perhaps another draft?? Also Something needs to happen that is a hint for something later on, I get something will explode at Zero Hour - but why should I care? Their agents and working hard but.. who are they besides one another to each other. How will this effect the characters?

Really like to read another draft, I was really pulled in during that opener. I pictured it very dark and just.. go go go!
Hope that's helped. Best!