violet
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by violet on Feb 20, 2010 19:25:21 GMT -5
This is a short script I'm producing very very soon, and I was wondering if you have any feedback! I still have some time for a rewrite. I don't have a logline, but it's a 12-page short and a summary is: Coming Home Norah is a young professional working in Manhattan. One day, her boss calls her into his office, and when she gets home, her boyfriend Dylan finds her packing to go home. Dylan refuses to join her, Norah returns home to figure out what the future holds for her. Attachments:
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Post by lazzard on Feb 21, 2010 6:14:09 GMT -5
Spolier Alert
A return read seems only polite!
I can see this making a very good piece.
It's sparse, pared down stuff - I hope you've got some good actors!!
The unspoken 'trouble' that Asan seems to have got himself into is all the more disturbing because we don't know the details.
Not quite sure why her promotion makes her want to go home, though - but I sort of buy it ( wouldn't hurt to explain a little more maybe.)
On a technical note I always worry when we rely on viewing printed matter to convey information.
Obviously the 'things to do before we die' list needs to be seen - the childish writing is going to make this very poignant.
I think to play the same trick - just one scene earlier - with the Art School application is asking a bit much.
Especially as we are in a situation where it would be tiotally appropriate for her family to discuss it - thus informing the viewer.
Sometimes tell is better than show!
Interesting that one of the themes - to my mind - is about going back to the place where the road forked and this time taking the other path.
This is also at the heart of 'The Wrong Mrs Galloway' - although it's perhaps not obvious yet.
Are you shooting this youself - is this your first piece...?
So many questions, so little time.
Good luck with it.
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violet
Junior Member
Posts: 99
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Post by violet on Feb 22, 2010 1:52:41 GMT -5
Thanks so much, that's really useful! Do you think the beginning is slow to take off? I'm thinking of trimming some of the beginning and interspersing it throughout the chicago portion of the narrative...
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Post by lazzard on Feb 22, 2010 9:02:06 GMT -5
Doesn't feel slow.
I think it's fine as it is.
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Post by dwight on Feb 27, 2010 3:40:42 GMT -5
Figured I could take on a 12 page read!.
Well done Violet, I enjoyed reading your short.
The flow was nice and description were good. I agree with lazzard on how Asan's mysterious life stays hidden, definitely good.
Only thing I can think of is juicing up the "List of things to do before they die" It gets a couple lines, and Asan's reaction is good. But I feel you can totally take advantage of the audience's emotions with this. Either show things on the list.. Or how Asan hasn't been able to cross off much at all. Something to get the waterworks flowin' (okay maybe not that heavy). Just a thought.
Good job with the imagery i was able to picture everything.
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Post by outofcontext on Mar 2, 2010 23:23:53 GMT -5
I'm pretty much in agreement with lazzard on this one. It has a nice quiet feel and you write pretty cleanly. One thing that jarred me a little is the fact you call Dylan a calming presence shortly before he blows up at Norah. I'm not a big fan of describing a character in a behavioral way--it's done and acceptable, I just prefer not doing it--but in seems inconsistent in this case.
I think the success of this really depends on the production. Good luck on it.
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