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Savior
Jan 21, 2010 20:19:42 GMT -5
Post by anonymous1234 on Jan 21, 2010 20:19:42 GMT -5
This is a pilot I wrote. It's only 45 pages. Logline: A man awakes from a coma without his memory and an extraordinary power. Thanks in advance. www.sendspace.com/file/uwo2ql
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Savior
Jan 22, 2010 14:58:01 GMT -5
Post by glengarry on Jan 22, 2010 14:58:01 GMT -5
OK... I like the concept (mostly)... I did not like the script. You have a good idea here, just not executed as well as it could be.
The idea of a guy who is in an incident (accident or otherwise) and wakes up with some sort of powers is great and could be quite marketable. You should concentrate on flushing out what you want the concept to be more thoroughly and then write a new pilot.
Here is what popped into my head when I was reading it and take it for what it is worth. Have you ever seen an old show from the 80's called "The Greatest American Hero"? About a school teacher who gets a super hero costume from some aliens and uses it to fight crime and what not.
What was great about that concept and something you should seriously think about applying here is the average guy who in your case, is thrown from a building (though i would prefer a different means perhaps a car accident, or the victim of a random mugging or perhaps he's in a bank when it's robbed and he's shot in the head... etc.) and through that incident he develops powers. i really like your 'time slowed' choice for the powers by the way. i think it is powerful, flexible, plausible and also very cinematic in terms of actually filming it...
What if this guy also has a ordinary life. Something that the audience will be able to relate to, he's a teacher, a lawyer, a cop... an identity before all of this takes place. A thought also on his comic book helper... That relationship comes on with no real set up or justification. (just because he owns a comic book shop?) Instead, what if the guy is his kid, his son, who like all kids reads comics and the kid is the one who helps his Dad become this superhero after the accident. Maybe Mom is dead (could be related to the arch of the series or not) but the Dad and the Kid use this 'superhero' situation to strengthen their relationship.
This would also broaden the possibilities of the story world for the rest of the series. You could have episodes that delve into the kids life at school or the guys regular life at the office or on the beat if he's a cop. It could also broaden your market as well if you can incorporate a family vibe into it. Ask yourself... what market are you writing for? Must be pay TV because this is VERY violent and chuck full of profanity. Does it have to be..
Also look at your bad guy... are you going to have a new bad guy every week? Just one bad guy with a big arch for the season? Choose. I get that Roger is bad in your script after all he kills a lot of people. But he's not a very interesting character. Create a bad guy (or bad guys every week) that are more interesting than guy who rob banks and shoots people... There's more you can do here...
I think that's about all I can get into here... Great concept that needs to be figured out more thoroughly... Good Luck with it.
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Savior
Jan 23, 2010 18:18:22 GMT -5
Post by Jeff Messerman on Jan 23, 2010 18:18:22 GMT -5
Etai,
In this post "The Dark Knight" and "Heroes" and "Kick-Ass" world, tackling a superhero based TV series is a path not without huge hurdles.
You, sir, scaled the biggest one admirably. Your concept is strong and, oddly enough, rather original.
However, I must lean towards Glengarry's viewpoint - - the execution is a tad wonky.
I think the main problem for me throughout your entire pilot is that you're rushing things. You cram so much into the pilot that I finally ceased to care about Dave and his plight. It's almost as if you're coming at a TV pilot with a feature sensibility. For my tastes, if your pilot ended with Dave waking up in the hospital and first noticing his powers, that would have sufficed. Then, episode 2 could introduce the comic book shop owner Charles and set all that business up. (By the way, I actually liked that stuff - - it was funny and quirky and not too cliche, which, again, is tough in this comic book entertainment dominated world!)
You write action pretty well and it moves at a good clip.
My advice? Retool and stretch things out a bit, give us more character. I realize you're trying to hide all your cards a bit so as to reveal over an entire "season" but that doesn't mean we don't want to know more traits and quirks here in the NOW. It can be done without revealing too much about Dave's past. In fact, it'll just serve to make him more likable and believable, no?
Anyway, good stuff. When I think about shows like WEEDS and DEXTER and BIG LOVE, it leads me to believe that there IS room for a hard hitting, tough as nails show about a lone superhero and his life among us "normals."
Jeff
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Savior
Jan 30, 2010 22:02:34 GMT -5
Post by echenry on Jan 30, 2010 22:02:34 GMT -5
Anonymous1234/Etai Shuchatowitz, First off, thanks for having the guts to write something and share it with others. I enjoyed reading your pilot. Glengarry and Jeff Messerman gave you some very good advice. You should listen to them. I have a few things things you might want to consider in between now and your next draft or whatever writing project you decide to tackle next: 1) Try to avoid using the progressive verb tense (is running) , and write every action line in description paragraphs in the present tense (runs) . (from page 2) Everybody is scrambling for their lives. (progressive verb tense, bad ) Everybody scrambles for their lives. (present verb tense, yippee! 2) Try give more of a description of your characters than just their names. 3) (If you don't already own them) A book that goes over how to format TV pilots would be a good investment. I can see from the creative way you opened this pilot you want to do some fancy graphics stuff. Books like "The Hollywood Standard: The Complete & Authoritative Guide to Script Format and Style" by Christopher Riley, or "The Screenwriter's Bible" by David Trottier, will really help you knock-out formatting issues, AND they many even stimulate your mind to come up with even better eye-catching visuals. Both books can be bought on-line through Amazon. AND I just went on Amazon's site, it look likes Christopher Riley has a II version of that book which he just released in 2009. (Note to self -- I gotta get that one!) And Anonymous1234/Etai Shuchatowitz, just so you know, I own both books. They taught me a lot. And I still refer to the time-to-time whenever I have any formatting questions. Anyway, thanks for having the guts to post some of your work. Look forward to reading more offerings from you, and finding a little more about who you are as you post and respond to things on the site that interest you. Sincerely, E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA
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Savior
Mar 3, 2010 21:34:55 GMT -5
Post by anonymous1234 on Mar 3, 2010 21:34:55 GMT -5
Sorry it took me such a long time to respond.
Thank you all SOOOOOOOOOOOO much for reading my stuff and critiquing it. You all gave some really helpful suggestions.
I'd also like to thank Jeff for actually giving me an audience.
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