Logline for Latest Sci Fi Spec

[napolyphonic]

I'm on the second draft of this thing, and I sent the logline to Carter Reeves at ScriptShadow for his contest, but I guess he didn't like it enough. Anyway...

AETHER
"When a physically ailing detective seeks retribution against the humanoid robot that killed his wife, he discovers the robot's idealistic designer intends to replace humans with his own creation."

[brianjwalton]

"When a physically ailing detective seeks retribution against the humanoid robot that killed his wife, he discovers the robot's idealistic designer intends to replace humans with his own creation."

Some of your word choice is vague. "Physically ailing" is not very specific. It sounds old fashioned, like calling someone "sickly." What does he have? Is it cancer? Aids? A thyroid problem? Specificity could help here.

Also the fact that his wife was killed by a humanoid robot is a crazy concept, and your wording sort of throws it away at the end of the sentence. Place the robot clause before the retribution clause so that we get it right up front.

I don't think we need to know anything specific about the designer in this logline. Just say something like "he discovers a dark plot to replace humans with robots."

The overall problem, however, is that the concept seems vague and doesn't really paint the picture. The plot should be more well defined. What exactly are his "own creations? " Robots? Cyborgs? Something in between? A little specificity here would be good.

Hope that helps!

[Jeff Messerman]

While I agree with Brian on the "physically ailing" part, I have to say that your logline is one hell of a compelling idea.

I'm a sucker for old fashioned sci-fi - - Asimov, Heinlein, Pohl, etc. And this just smacks of that sort of thing.

My issue with the "physically ailing" bit is that it doesn't add to the overall story you put forth in the logline. If you take it out, the story is the same. I think your better off either leaving it out or making a case in the logline as to WHY he needs to be terminal (or whatever his "ailment" is).

Still... brilliant concept. I'd love to read it.

How 'bout dropping that second draft onto the board?

[thiagodaher]

hello napolyphonic.

your premise reminds me a bit of "i, robot". i know it's not the same story, but i got the same vibe.

the fact the idealistic designer wants to replace the human race with his own creation (assuming it's the humanoid robot) ultimately is a story of absolute power. the villain wants to dominate the world. if he wants to replace everybody, then will he be the last human alive? to what purpose?

i would be more interested in a more personal angle. it seems the detective is just collateral damage, it doesn't seem that the killing of his wife had anything to do with the designer's bigger plan, but more of a casual thing. the robots were on a killing spree and managed to kill the detective's wife "accidentally".

the phisically ailing part doesn't bother me so much.

keep it up. cheers mate.

[teamcoco]

I think the problem with 'physically ailing' is that it does not tell us anything. Like Brian said, does he have cancer? AIDS? Or does he just have the flu? i mean, obviously it would be something worse than that, but you can't tell. Basically, we need to know whether he is dying or not. If he is dying, that is imporant. If he isnt, then leave it out.

[mscherer]

I think this can be boiled down to one story line – the story line with the highest stakes:

A dying detective discovers a sinister plot to replace humanity with a race of robots.

The detective’s decision to seek retribution for his wife’s murder is the inciting incident, but the story and the stakes are much, much more.

Keep Writing!

[napolyphonic]

Alright, I'm glad this started a good discussion. Soooo, to sort of put it in context:

This movie has quite a few little nuggets I'd rather not spill out into the logline. I wrote the logline the way I did so that if you were intrigued enough, you would ask these questions and then get them answered by the script. What is his illness and why is it important? Who is this robot and why did he kill our protag's wife? Who is the designer and what is his plan? Etc. etc.

His illness is abstract. Not cancer, not tuberculosis, not swine flu. It's something you find out later in the story and it adds a new dimension to the whole thing. But, it's obvious there's something wrong with him even at the start (i.e. he walks with an odd gait), and it affects his ability to perform. Suffice to say, it's curable, but he doesn't want a cure.

Also, in regards to the "idealistic designer," I say idealistic because he has a very specific and noble reason for what he wants to do. The problem is that it's pretty goddamn radical and pretty goddamn insane. His creations are alluded to: humanoid robots. I hate the word cyborg. All I can think of is Arnold's Terminator: "Cyborg, cybernetic organism" in that crazy Austrian accent. Maybe they're cutting-edge, flesh and blood bodies made from stem cells grown on organic scaffolds with neural network cloud computers for brains, maybe not...

Either way, you're probably intrigued enough by the basic concept that you might read the script and realize there's a whole helluva lot more depth to the world in which our protag is surviving. And besides, it's really less an actioner(which I might add some more of) and more of a thinker like Se7en.

And Jeff, I wrote the treatment for this thing a year and a half ago without ever having read Asimov or seeing Will Smith's iRobot. I came up with these words, like "psychoroboticist," and then read Asimov and realized, oh shit, he already did it. So there's some accidental allusion to him. But I certainly don't follow his three rules. I think they take the fun out of it

[napolyphonic]

Okay, so I'm gonna post the first ten pages or so in the Entire Acts board, if anyone is interested in reading some of it.