Forehead -- A Short Script Comedy (First Draft)

[matthewmilam]

I did a couple of screenplays in the past, one for a television sitcom and one feature script. Both of them never got seen by anyone and that was mostly because I was trying to find my way in my writing style and what worked for me. I get nervous by feedback only because my narrative style in my action paragraphs is seen as too much telling, not showing (although I've seen scripts do the opposite).

Forehead is a short script I did because I go on alot of dates that are like this. It probably says alot about my character as a person doing a story like this, but they say you should write what you know. This idea seemed funny, so I ran with it.

I did two drafts. I'm putting the first one first here.

Basically the story is about a man who has a dinner date with a woman whose constant attention is on her cell phone. I call it Forehead because that's the only thing the man from his point of view sees. Some folks had an issue with the title (I may change it).

Anyhow, I hope I am on to something here.

Attachments:

[Jeff Messerman]

Payback is a bitch indeed!

Matthew, you have a lot of good stuff here.

I think Dwayne's decision to rifle through her text messages is a bit premature... Jasmine, while being mildly rude, didn't quite deserve such a total breach of privacy. Therefore, I'd raise the stakes a bit and make her really horrendous on page 1. Now we can surmise that Dwayne has probably been through dates like this before and perhaps he's at his breaking point but, again, I'd make Jasmine much more of a hose beast than she really is.

One way to do that perhaps? Show snippets of the whole date, little flashes, showing her going from bad to worse, y'know? Since your script is so short, you want to really bash people over the head. Not a lot of time for subtlety.

Also, just to add insult to injury, I would show him outside the restaurant or on the ride home, texting her, telling her something like "Thanks for the salad," something to really nail the point home that HE WON. And, of course, doing it via celphone is only too appropriate...

Jeff

[jcordelia]

I agree with Jeff. You do have a lot of great stuff, but I also think you should make Jasmine more of a bitch. We have to really hate her in order to not hate him for checking her phone. He seemed to believe that she really did have a daughter, and I thought her "Oh, I must have forgot." Was her way of just slipping the news in there, you know, seeing his reaction. When he started rifling through the phone, I was like, "What?" Because there didn't seem to be enough reason for him to do it.

Also, it seems like her dropping her phone and continuing to walk is a bit out of character for her. She's super attached to her phone (as he knows, and she mentions), so if she dropped it from her hand, she would have probably noticed. Maybe she should set it in her purse and a waiter walks past and knocks the purse off the edge of the chair, or maybe it's in her coat pocket or something.

Again, great stuff here.

J.C.