How To Live on 24 Hours A Day

[adamcarter216]

Hey, everyone!

This is an early draft of my feature comedy How To Live on 24 Hours A Day.

Any feedback would be appreciated. I'm particularly interested in hearing your thoughts on the pacing and resolution.

LOGLINE: When a mid-level office worker becomes an overnight self-help phenomenon, his controversial message lands him in a firestorm of debate.

UPDATED DRAFT: www.sendspace.com/file/sojdeo

- Chris

[echenry]

Christopher Seligmiller, D-U-D-E, I totally saw Seth Rogen as Kellen Kelly in your movie.

Kudos to that. After you shore a few things up you should try to contact him. Maybe even leave him a message on his IMBD message board...


To answer adamcarter216's questions he was most interested in concerning pacing and resolution.

To me this story's pacing is okay. You had some obvious plot points that changed the trajectory of the story. This story gets significantly duller as Kellen goes on and does his speaking arrangements. By page 55 I wrote that I actually wrote a note down that I was starting to get bored.

I didn't like this story's resolution. Once the FBI brings Kellen in, and fixes a trial to convict Kellen of being the anti-Christ, you crossed a HUGE comedic/serious barrier. This is NOT going to translate well. If this story gets made as is now, I think audiences will act very adversely to that choice of insinuating Kellen is the anti-Christ. I don't think it works at all. And if I were you I'd change that.


What I really liked:
1) The comedy, especially in dialog
Page 1; Kellen, "... I feel like its meaning could be misconstrued, and the whole thing will just evaporate into the ecosystem and suffocate a small bird."
Page 6; Amy, "Hey, didn't you where that shirt last Monday?" Kellen, "God damn it." (NOTE: it's "wear" not "where") Comedy was set-up by an earlier voice over by Kellen. This will translate on screen.
Page 10; Reggie talking about black actors saving the world.
Page 11; Benji being described as a dog, Frisbee and Scooby snacks. Works!
Page 27 - 28; Jeff has numerous funny lines. "Don't fucking correct me! That's what HR is for1" "... and then I come in and kick this job in the balls." "Yeah, you do that. And make sure you recycle the bottle when you're done."
Page 46; Crowd Member #3, "I swear to God, I cried like five times. And I'm pretty sure I had an orgasm at some point.
Page 47; Reggie, "Are those the ones about a girl who falls in love with the ghost kid, and she starts having three-way sex with him and that ripped goblin dude?" To which the Distinguished Man retorts, "That's the one."
Page 53; Jeff, "... if I had more like you, I could build an army. And invade Poland." Comedy in the inference. A back-handed compliment. Choice of word "Poland" makes it funny. Shows the author has good comedic instinct.
Page 90; Protester #3 "Fuck Kellen Kelly. Fuck Satan. And fuck Metallica."
Page 95; Judge, "On what grounds?" Uncomfortable Minister, "Good question. I un-object." Comedy based on the audience being well versed with typical courtroom proceedings, yet a simple question derails Kelly's lawyer.

2) Fairly clean read. Only a few choices took me out of the story. For the most part good shot headings. Good description.

3) Kellen and Amy is an adequate love pairing for a comedic story.

What this story needs:
1) SUBPLOTS. Give Kellen's friends a mini drama to work on.
2) More life/action in ACT II. After Kellen becomes famous, I think this story loses a lot of steam. I was kinda bored with most of ACT II.

Formating errors:
1) Call-outs for putting text on the film. Here's an example for page 1, but this also occurs throughout the script:

ON SCREEN: "Preface"

E.C. Suggests

SUPERIMPOSE:
(centered) "Preface"

2) Ziggy radio show miss-called out off screens, when they should be voice overs. So it's ZIGGY (V.O.) not ZIGGY (O.S.) as this is heard off a car radio.

3) Poor call-outs at very beginning of the script. In script:

ON SCREEN: "Preface"

INT. FAMILY RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON

E.C. Suggests:

OVER BLACK SUPERIMPOSE:
(centered) "Preface"

FADE IN:

INT. FAMILY RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON


Other minor suggested changes:
1) Page 1; avoid the double negative in lines of description. In script "... not unlike Applebee's" but "a lot like Applebee's."
2) Kellen jerking off on pages 11 and 16 kinda crass. May want to hint at that, then exit the scene. Even when describing the gross, show some class.
3) Page 61; names of TV shows go in quotes. in script: BRUSH FIRE, should be "Brush Fire."
4) Dialog of Fiery Conservative is too overboard to be believable. "... to paint their bodies and shit." "Fuck yeah it does." Page 86; "Burn this motherfucker to a crisp." I would tone this down considerably. Go for the believable here. Even in comedy, you need people who are straight and act in a believable way.
5) Scene between a corporate office and a gang banger on page 86 is too non sequitor. Why is it there? Kinda funny, but kinda weird too.
6) Obscure reference didn't register with me. Page 91, "What would Atticus Finch do?"


All-in-all. You got some real good comedy in patches, but the overall story needs some work. Stick with it. I think this is something Judd Apatow or Seth Rogen could really sink their teeth into. You do show a lot of promise, Christopher Seligmiller/adamcarter216. Thanks for posting. I enjoyed reading your work.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[adamcarter216]

E.C.,

Words cannot express how much I appreciate your feedback. You've provided A TON of strong points for me to ponder. If you ever need any feedback yourself, please please please don't hesitate to contact me. I'd be more than happy to return the favor.

To answer a question or two:
- The cutaway between the corporate employer and the gang banger on Page 86 is an illustration of the Fiery Conservative's point that corporations were having to resort to scraping the bottom of the barrel to fill important positions, all because Kellen's book was inspiring people to quit their corporate jobs to pursue their "dreams".

- You didn't get the Atticus Finch reference?! *super shocked*
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_Kill_a_Mockingbird_%28film%29

- I'm curious to hear more about your feelings towards the crossing of the comedy/serious barrier with the ending. Is it because of how extreme the accusation is, or is it more because Kellen loses? In other words, if Kellen were to somehow win the trial, would it change your opinion of the ending?

Again, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read the script. It truly, truly means a lot to me.

[echenry]

Adamcarter216,

Thanks for the love. What is this Valentine's Day or something?!

Let's talk AFTER Judd Apatow has taken your script off the market, and written you a very big check (like the ones they had in "Happy Gilmore"). Pave the way, brother. I'd love to follow in your footsteps, as I've got a couple scripts I wanna get in Judd Apatow's hot little hands too! So be sure to put a good word in for me when you meet the big fella.

- E.C. Henry, currently drinking a Heineken in Bonney Lake, WA

[darrenm]

I just finished reading it, and I really enjoyed it. Here are things to consider changing, things I liked...

THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO CHANGE

1) Reggie gave me problems, simply because he seems to be too much of a stock black character. I think a lot of it stems from his frequent use of the N-word. Maybe it's because I'm Canadian, I've never had any of my black acquaintances drop that term around me or in a group of white people. It works in Baltimore in The Wire, but with several white office employees it just seems forced and unnatural.
2) Confused as to why they hang out with Benji after work when they all seem to bust his balls. Is there a reason they hang out with him even though they have to see him all day at work? Does he supply the weed?
3) Act One is hilarious, but there should be an earlier hint as to where the story is headed. Aside from the quick bits of dialogue with/about Amy, the intro is a bit stagnant for a bit too long. I know you're going for repetitiveness due to the theme and concept, but 15 pages of it seemed a bit much.
4) Building on that last one, I think some of that dialogue, though I like it, will be lost on the audience. Though I get Power Rangers references (I'm 24), my dad won't. Hell, my older brother probably won't. You're really limiting your audience by using so many pop culture references, most of which were around for only the same small generation. Also, it limits the longevity of your film -- I have to think it won't be nearly as funny or relevant in ten years because of the abundance of pop culture references.
5) Amy's suggestion of him being a motivational speaker seems a bit quick, considering their limited conversations and the fact that he merely puts down his old life without offering any sort of motivational solution. Might be a good idea to, in that first Act, have a different motivational speaker come to their office (and Reggie/Kellen/Andrew could heckle him), which would plant the idea in Amy's head.
6) The cursing in here is going to make it an R-rated flick. Although I think it fits the characters, it's just a further limiting of your potential audience, and something to think about.
7) You insult a lot of movies and shows in here. I have no idea how this plays in Hollywood, but isn't it possible that instantly some studios/producers/directors won't want to do it, either because they were involved in those movies or because they don't want to step on the toes of those that were involved?
8) Just a heads up -- people might criticize Hourglasses for being too similar to the Office. Jeff = Michael Scott, Reggie = Warehouse Darryl, Benji = Dwight, Kellen = Jim, Amy = Pam.... etc. Most notable is the Jeff being Michael Scott. I think Jeff's hilarious, but you'll likely get some criticism over the similarities.
9) I feel he may become a great motivational speaker too quickly. Maybe not -- I'm on the fence about it -- but something to think about. I should point out I don't mean in terms of pages, but in terms of attempts.
10) Kellen's comments about women in the Amazon seemed harsh and out of character. It was also kind of offensive, but not in the good, satirical way.
11) I also don't know if I like the being charged with being the antichrist thing. I don't dislike it for controversy or anything like that, I just dislike it because everything before that point is at least somewhat believable, but this really rips me out of the reality of the world. It would be a more realistic ending if it was a class action by people who had lost their houses or had spouses kill themselves because they quit their jobs based on Kellen's advice. I realize that's not very realistic either, but I feel it's more based in reality than being charged with being the Antichrist. Then again, I really enjoyed the trial of him as the antichrist, so maybe it works, heh.
12) Another unrealistic element - Kellen is so rich but has to use the minister as a lawyer. I realize it's funny, but it still doesn't seem right. It could work if part of the trial is that the government appoints his lawyer, or something. Otherwise, Kellen would have the highest priced lawyer available.
13) Lots of people won't like the unhappy ending. I like that it's different and unexpected, but it could maybe end on a more optimistic note?

THINGS I LIKED:
1) As EC said, great dialogue, funny stuff. All the points he noted as funny I wholeheartedly agree with, plus a wide array of others.
2) The male characters each have their own voice and were distinct. I liked that. Could tell who was speaking without seeing their name.
3) Love the alarm clock set at 7:05 for Act 1 vs. 7:15 for Act 2. Great visual indicator of the change in Kellen's life.
4) "Good afternoon, everyone" "It's eight o clock!" killed me. I always say morning/afternoon at the wrong time.
5) The mixing of his different speaking engagements together works EXTREMELY well.
6) The new Dr. Phil, only better. Great stuff.
7) You're really good at planting things to recall later for big laughs. Ex: Dr. King comment on TV, What Would Atticus Finch Do, etc. (Yea, I got the Finch reference and loved it)

I realize that I've written more things to change than things I liked, but that's just because there was so much I liked that I didn't mention. The screenplay is very good, and your writing on the page is your greatest strength. The dialogue sounded very good in my head, and you didn't waste space while writing action -- you were concise and to the point, but still very enjoyable. It was an easy read.

As mentioned, my biggest complaint is that though Act 1 is very funny, it seems like the screenplay takes a bit too long to get going. But for the most part, this is extremely well done stuff. Great work.

[darrenm]

Also, have you looked into the legality of the title? I assume it's fine because the actual book is in the public domain, but it'd be something to look at. If it is all fine (as I assume it is), then a big plus is that it instantly will grab the attention of those who like the actual self-help book!

[adamcarter216]

darren,

I echo what I said to EC. I REALLY appreciate you taking the time to read the script.

A very interesting point you bring up about the Office comparison. It's weird, because while I'm an off and on fan of the show, I never even thought about it as I was writing it. But I can totally see the similarities.

You've provided some really good points to ponder, especially regarding the opening act. I did look into the title, and as you mentioned, since it is in the public domain it's fair game. I think the book had some really interesting and relevant ideas, and I think they served as a good launching pad for a script.

[outofcontext]

Chris,
Just read '24 Hours' last night and I have a couple thoughts about the work.
I read the script through at one sitting, which is a compliment believe me. I have the attention span of a bee.
A significant amount of the early dialogue, and the dialogue throughout really, is about movies and television. I don't have a real problem with that, but I didn't find it particularly revealing about the characters nor did I pick up a consistent subtext or theme from those very important opening pages. I understand it conveys a certain shallowness of character which is important to your premise, but I worry that you are too dependent on current (or recent) popular culture to make your point--the shelf life on this, even if you update it as time goes on, is pretty brief. This could be a generational problem, consequently my problem, as I expect I'm a lot older than you.
Also, I think you might have invested a little more time deepening our understanding of the bond between Kellen and his father so that we are more involved in his pain. If not before his death, then subsequent to it, you might want to develop or reveal the depth of his feeling for his father. I understand this is a comedy, but it's still about people and the plot depends on us feeling something for Kellen. I wasn't quite sold.
One final thing. I understand you are creating a comedic world, but I didn't get why all of a sudden it's okay for a newscaster to say 'shit', or a corporate CEO to say 'fuck', on air. Has Kellen changed the culture so much that everyone has lost any sense of propriety? If so, I missed that in my first reading. The comedy I enjoy depends on contrast. Kellen's outrageous approach would be more effective for me, if it played off against a more proper world.
You work did engage me for a hundred pages and I wouldn't have spent the time to think about it and post this reply if I didn't feel it had merit as a whole. It does. So please consider my comments more in the nature of questions than criticisms and I would certainly be glad to look more into the specifics of the work if you'd like.

[dave243]

As a HUGE Apatow fan, I am telling you this because I would want someone to do the same for me. Something quite similar to this is being made with Aziz Ansari for Mr. Apatow right now. It's called "Let's Do This"and its a road movie about two motivational speakers. Hopefully there will be a big enough difference between the two, so that this one can still get made.