First Screenplay - Pleasure Lane

[escarondito]

Feb 7, 2010 16:45:58 GMT -5 escarondito said:

This is my first screenplay. This is my first draft. Rip parts you didn't like. Praise parts I did well. Help give me a good idea on how I should work out this first re-write.

Here is correct first draft pdf format, with title page

Attachments:

[escarondito]

124 views and no comments... ouch guys

[darrenm]

Hey, sorry that nobody has commented.

I think it would help your case if you gave us a logline and genre. I think a lot of us stick to the genre we know because it's the only one we feel comfortable critiquing... or at least, that's what I do.

[tous]

I just started. Only at page 30 and it's a little hard to remember who is who. You have 8 if not more characters already that are getting equal amount of screentime- Kenny and Dante / maybe Dan and Trevor too being the most noticeable.

Character descriptions are a go! I really pictured them- but others blend in and they do a lot of talking- a lot of banter, which creates static and doesn't move the plot along. (Yes a logline or a synopsis would help me out greatly)

Also I don't see any distinguishable character flaws - they seem to have a lot of similarities- and preferences (mainly because they all deal with drugs, though Trevor is a little hesitant about it)
Dialogue is very fluid, and it feels real- GREAT!
-I was actually laughing in the beginning with the conversation with Dante and the oriental dude. And the opening with the woman saying "fuck" really set the tone. Truly.

Unfortunately I can't really distinguish who is friends with who and what relationship they have together besides 2 characters to each other and another 2 to each other so for me I've lost interest. I need to relate to these characters. Are any of them relatives?

And where's/what's the incident? Why do they need this money from selling drugs and I thought it was going to go somewhere with Dan's death in the family but it didn't. (or maybe at least not yet, cause I haven't gotten to it? So maybe push that forward)

Sorry if this hasn't helped, I'm not too keen on this genre to suggest key ways to fix it but I hope my opinion has helped you in any small way. Remember, I'm just one person so another can really love this. (Plus dude-- it's your first draft, i mean.. you have 90-91 good pages, and thats awesome, ya you just need to keep going with it, its still in infancy)
So when you've worked on it on your own- in a later draft when its a bit cleaner I can do it because I really read into things and im good at pulling things out, right now its too flushed. Which is a good thing - since now you have tons and tons of stuff to work with.

All the best!

[echenry]

Escarondito/Phillip Prince,


I just read txt version you posted. It didn't have page numbers on it, AND all shot heading to description was separated by 3 lines. AFTER I read this draft I found you had a later post with a pdf file. The pdf file looks cleaner. IF I were you I'd modify your first post, and change the link to that pdf file.

I read one of your comments about have 124 views and no comments. Well, for me personally I've been busy with my own writing. Sorry, you didn't get more responses. Can't help that. But now after reading your story, "Pleasure Lanes" (that's what it says on you pdf file's title page), at least I can give you some feedback.
Another big reason for the lack of feedback is you stated this was a first draft. Dude, show some professionalism; submit your story when it's as good as you can make it. I understand you want to see how readers will react, BUT you also want to plant in the heads or your readers that YOU'VE done your homework, and they're in the hands of someone who knows what their story is about. In the txt file link you provided I found like 35 lines that didn't have punctuation. Also found numerous words that needed to be properly capitalized (fenway/Fenway, seiko/Seiko, colossus/Colossus, exc.).


What I liked:

1) Clean, nice short shot headings.
2) Seiko has moments where her character shows some promise of being interesting.
3) College setting in Boston is an interesting choice. (Though I never felt that had any real bearing on your story, escarndito/Phillip Prince. This story could take place at ANY college dormitory.)

What I didn't like:
1. This story lacks a compelling conflict.
2. This story is completely devoid of humor.
3. Your main characters are boring.
4. This story doesn't have enough major plot points.
5. Excessive druggie course banter gets tiring and boring to read after a while. Dialog needs more action happening around it.
6. Title page line, "Based on Real Effing Life," doesn't belong, and sets a VERY BAD tone for ANYTHING that follows. Lose it.


I think at this point you, escarondito/Phillip Prince, SHOULD enlighten me, as a guy who read your story, what it is that you want your audience to respond to?

Why should I care about Dante? What is his character arc?

Why should I care about a bunch of guys dealing marijuana on a college campus?


Sorry I couldn't paint a rosier picture for you escarondito/Phillip Prince. But maybe facing these I've posed will help springboard you to a MUCH STRONGER 2nd draft. IF you want to talk further about this story, I'm willing - - BUT ONLY IF you can be civil and NOT take things personally, but rather are focused on finding the story you're trying to tell and maximizing its potential.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[escarondito]

Sorry for the late response post. Both of you thank you soo soo much for your comments. And Henry trust me, I may be the only person in the world who actually enjoys a harsh critical look at his work. I sometimes feel ...actually scratch that, I always feel if you read what I write and go "well all I saw was blah and blah but other than that I liked it". You never read it.

I would love to have continued help after I take all your suggestions and revamp the story a little bit. Snip characters here, clean them up there, rework story here.

To be truthfully honest with you, when I originally imagined the story the three people I actually wanted to focus on where Seiko, Dante, and Trevor. And in seeing both your comments I see that there are some definite characters you latched onto and those you didn't.

I originally wasn't even going to have kenny as a character, but then I put him in and wrote that little intro convo between dante and kenny and in seeing your reaction I just might keep him. Albeit he will have to be worked in and plot changed slightly to deal with the main focus being on the trifecta.

Saying that my main characters were boring definetely helped out that decision.

Also thanks for telling me to take out the based on real effing life. I put that in as a joke when I first starting writing and now I can clearly see that is good I heard about this now instead of after sending it in to somebody.

Also just to give you a an idea Henry of why you should care about these characters. You didn't see why this first draft but you will in the second. I missed or didn't explain clearly in the writing why.

All these characters deal with illusions that I encountered in college but everyone encounters in life.

Dante purposefully creates an illusion of himself everytime he goes out. Saying what he needs to say, acting the way he needs to act to please everyone and everybody. he wishes to let no one in. His lesson is to allow people to see who he really is. for better or worse he needs to set the record straight at who dante is.

Trevor fails to see the illusion that not everybody is your friend. Granted there are people who are generally nice, but his lesson to learn is that everybody wants something from you ALWAYS. Even dante who is a good friend wants him to sell be silent and thats it. Dan uses him as a social doorknob to turn and open new doors for him. even the lovely people he meets dont ask and use his food. That is his lesson.

Kenny/Seiko's lesson is that they need NOT to be in control of everything. Then they just become user people taking advantage of whoever happens to be around to provide them with what they need.

That is the base overview. But I guarantee these things will become more apparent to you in my second draft.

Thank you for the current input. And I hope to see more when I send in the second draft.