Logline Help

[lizzo1014]

Hey guys, new poster referred from Scott Myers' "Go Into The Story". Working on a drama with the logline below:

"A madam, on the fence about retirement, reminisces about her life and career to a prospective escort who is an undercover journalist."

Your opinions are greatly appreciated.

[echenry]

Lizzo1014,

I think you need some more ZEST in your logline. A madam reminiscing isn't saucy enough.

1) Does your protagonist have any secrets?
2) Your need to exploit the problem the prospective escort who is an undercover journalist causes for the madam.
3) Your logline needs to hint at a stronger conflict. What's special about this madam? Big name clients? Witnessed a murder. Knows some dark secrets? THAT'S sauce. And for my money, that's where you need to be going.

Hope this helps. Just reading this post made me think of Annette Benning. I could see her, or an actress of her ilk, maybe Sharon Stone doing a movie like this. Hope the scirpt that comes from this logline rocks.

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[lizzo1014]

E.C.

A fellow GITS reader! Thanks for your quick reply. To answer your question, the madam IS powerful, as many of her clientele are in the New York business, social and political elite. At the end of the story, a gubernatorial candidate, is exposed for patronizing the service by the New York Times leading to the madam's arrest.

The secret the madam is withholding from her staff is her thoughts of retirement. Her flaw is that she doesn't trust her second in command, who she has known and trusted for almost 20 years, to take over the business. This hubris eventually leads to her downfall.

Let me know if this reworked logline helps. Your suggestions are welcomed as well. "The madam of New York City's most exclusive and successful escort service contemplates retirement as she reminisces about her life and career to a prospective escort who is an undercover journalist."

[echenry]

Lizzo1014,

SLIGHT improvement logline A over revised B, but it still lacks a compelling conflict.

:)Did like how you described your madam protagonist, "The madam of New York City's most exclusive and and successful escort service..." THAT'S solid. 8-)Immediately you start thinking about women in tabloid news who were shaddy. So your in my mind, sort of.

Now you need conflict. What kind of story is this person in? "Remininces about her life" sounds like a bio feature on public television or a NBC Dateline news story. "Reminicing" does not hint that a compleling MOVIE can be made from this logline.

Also I would loose your reveal of your other person in the logline, which normally sets up the story's antagonist. Not sure if that's what you intend, but that's how I enterpirted it. Right now, as it stands in your logline you have given away what's called, a story "reveal." IF you keep this person in your logline I'd change it to something of the ilk: "... a perspecitve escort -- who may not be as she seems!" See the difference? Used this way this character has some mystery to it. A slight hook. I say this because I don't think the reveal of an escort as an undercover journalist is a very strong hook on the the surface. But if you're committed to it; please, prove me wrong.

Going forward I really thing you need to work on relaying your central conflict in a stonger way in your logline. All storys have conflict. What's this storys? Cracking that is your key to a killer logline.

Have a nice day, E.C. Henry

[lizzo1014]

You don't think an undercover journalist looking to write an expose decrying the evils of people who work in prostitution is damaging to a madam? It was either a journalist or an undercover vice cop.

Possible conflicts for madam
1) She's having doubts about retiring. She made an announcement and at the end of the week, the business will be turned over to her second-in-command.
2) Another possible secret is that she is awaiting biopsy results to see if she has cancer.

Basically, I think of this movie as "For Love of the Game" but in the sex industry. A madam, on her way out, or deciding to leave, stays for one last ___________ (interview? john?) that is her ultimate undoing.

OR

A retiring madam, takes a prospective escort under her wing only to have escort turn out to be a cop or a journalist that brings her down.

[attatt]

echenry said exactly what I was thinking, we need to hint at the conflict and the simple existance of an undercover journalist doesnt quite do it. We need to know what is at stake for the Madam.
Thinking back to the Hiedi Fleiss debacle, it was fun hearing about all the famous people who were caught in the snare, but her going to jail and losing her fortune were inferior subplots that faded really quickly.
I know you are not trying to make this the Indiana Jones of Madam stories, but it would be great to have a little more at stake in the logline/script. What are the consequences if she is brought down or exposed? Do those things factor into your story?

[lizzo1014]

Ok, what if she's leaving the business because she is engaged and pregnant. Her fiance is unaware of what she does for a living. The undercover journalist could change that with her expose.

[echenry]

lizzo1014,

Just read your last post. THAT'S conflict. A hybrid of that is what you want in your logline.

You're on the right track!

- E.C. Henry from Bonney Lake, WA

[lizzo1014]

Revised logline: "A successful, pregnant New York City madam, on the eve of her planned early retirement, develops a deep camaraderie with a prospective escort who is an undercover journalist." Drama.

I know you suggested I hide the escort's true identity in the logline but I didn't know how to phrase it without it seeming like a horror film (i.e. "a prospective escort who isn't what she seems...") Again, any suggestions or revisions on your part is welcomed.

[teamcoco]

It is reminding me of movies like DONNIE BRASCO, where the undercover cop gets too deep and involved in the investigation. Is the story something like that? Your logline needs to hint at that. Maybe change your focus to the journalist. Why is she doing it? What kind of things does she need to do to gain the trust of the madam?

Just a thought exercise really. Something like "A young journalist goes undercover as a sex worker to bring down New York's most succesful and poweful madam."

[lizzo1014]

teamcoco:

Donnie Brasco was one of the influences during the earlier incarnations of my logline where the journalist was investigating the mysterious suicide of her best friend who was a call girl for this madam. She ends up forging too close a relationship with the madam that compromises her mission.

However, I couldn't think of a good enough plot in which a woman would perform sexual acts with strangers in order to get close to a madam, so I changed the focus to the retiring successful madam sticking around just long enough to encounter the woman who takes her down.

My influences for this new logline is a mixture of Donnie Brasco and For Love of the Game/Layer Cake where a long-time professional, successful in their career, has everything they worked for come crashing down due to that last event or person they shouldn't have stuck around for. For a retiring madam, I figure two such people who could bring such misery is an undercover vice cop or an undercover journalist.

[lizzo1014]

okay, after much thought, here's my revised logline

"The last work week of a successful, pregnant New York City madam has her dealing with clients, planning a wedding with her unsuspecting fiance and interview with a mysterious prospective escort."

[attatt]

lizzo1014, you might want to watch Philadelphia. This movie is a great example of how to develop the protagonist through events in another person's life. To me, Denzel is the protagnoist, not Tom Hanks, but Tom Hanks' needs and experiences drive the movie and the changes in Denzel.
This may be the type of thing you need to work out in your script, which will then focus the logline.
The madam's life, experiences, and need to quit the game on top to give her baby a healthy life drive the journalist's growth and story arc.