Well, I have a bit of a recap I like to do before giving the notes, but I don't want to keep you waiting, so I'm posting the notes here now, and I'll come back with some more comments later.
Nice work on the script, and I hope this helps with the next rewrite
L
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p1 - Uh, is it a room or a cave? A cave room? o.O
Did Bird make the phone call just then? I would think he would be on the line before the raid started. If so, cut the introductions. Maybe as simple as: "Update, please." ("Please" if he has that class, confidence, blah blah blah)
Honestly, why not cut that altogether, and have Bird just listen in? I don't know that the intercutting adds anything. You could still easily establish Bird's authority when Bryant asks "Permission to purge, sir?"
p5 - You've established the tone! Well done!
I do have some concerns about the generic actiony opening. I think it works now as is, when you undercut the seriousness with the ridiculousness, but it may be worth taking another look.
p6 - Maybe this is going a little far, but I kind of expected the slugline to be: "INT. POOR DUMB BASTARD'S ATTIC -- DAY"
I don't thinks this sentence works: "Some would consider him a fine specimen, raises
an electric lantern." Who raises the lantern? (I know who, but grammatically it seems off...)
Not sure what "slightly uninhibited" means... Does that mean she speaks her mind? Or is it referring to her style/fashion? Her forwardness? Sexuality? Que?
p7 - You don't need to write it in the action line since Bob reads it out loud.
p9 - Maybe Maury should just continue talking: "Come by my office tomorrow? Around four? Great! I'll see you there!"
I feel like I've seen the "completely-ignore-response" guy before, is all. Not a big deal
p15 - I really like your character descriptions. And at page 15, I'm interested and hopeful.
It should be "Bob reads the nameplate on the door..." Otherwise I thought that he might be lookign at nameplate on a desk or something.
p18 - The basement seems like a significant location. I'd think you would want to use a full slugline here, but it'd not that big a deal.
p22 - You've done a really good job in setting up Bob's and Helen's relationship. And I laughed at the "Please...don't ask me to give you a..."handshake" ever again."
p27 - Again, really good job with the Bob/Helen relationship. Very nicely done. Also, I've tried to stop reading and go to sleep twice already. Third times the charm, so I'll resume reading later
p31 - bahaha boner jokes
p37 - I don't buy that she's dejected. That seems to be too strong a word. That word now puts her almost on the same level as Bob, so I think you should change that.
p38 - The dialogue for Agent Pitts should probably call him AGENT PITTS instead of just AGENT, since Pitts is referred to a few lines later.
p42 - I think you need to clarify Rickle's and Bob's relationship. Rickle following Bob outside doesn't seem like something Rickle would do. I think this goes back to the first scene where we see them. If you can bring out more that Rickle cares for Bob in that scene, despite his ridiculous 14 million grant proposal, then I'll buy this scene.
It's not the biggest problem, but I was a little confused about whether Rickle was an enemy, a friend, or just a professional in that earlier scene, so I think tweaking this will help a lot.
p42 - I think "Taipai" here is a typo, right?
p43 - You need to massage these moments starting with when Bob comes in. We need a moment where Bob looks at the vacuum and the light bulb goes off in his head. And we need Emma not seeing/hearing him enter and then being startled to be clear. Right now, both are muddled.
p46 - Almost vomits is hilarious! You should go with that for a beat and then start the smile.
p49 - We need Emma's reaction to why Bob was fired. Without this, you're already repeating information we figured out from the news articles.
I really do like how you've written Neil. I especially like the "You wanna see the research floor? I can show you all the people I'm in charge of."
p50 - Jeff leaving Bob alone is too convenient. You need to earn that somehow. Right now, it screams movie logic -- well not screams, maybe just "speaks at a normal volume."
p51 - Neil doesn't have another pen in his office? Why's he charging down the hall? He doesn't know Bob is in the suit room. Maybe when he gets the pen, he can show it off to Emma? Like it's a hella fancy pen?
p59 - bahaha "I'm not really big on buffalo."
Also, why did Neil decide to go check on the suits? Bob says no one will look until the morning?
p62 - I just noticed that I had no issues buying that the GPS would malfunction just then. When things become harder for the heroes, it's cool. When they become magically easier, not so much.
p75 - The tent deflating is a wonderful moment. Nice!
p107 - Their situation really doesn't seem desperate enough to warrant leaving an injured CIA agent... I mean, they were pretty casually walking to the helicopter earlier. Bob and Emma even had a conversation.
Also, make it clear that Bob RUNS AWAY from the helicopter.
p111 - Doesn't Emma have a gun? Why doesn't she shoot back?
p119 - Can you say "Bob looks at her, picks up the backpack..." I wasn't sure if he referred to Nick or Bob there.
