Hey Etai,
I did read your script and while I would like to have more coherent thoughts for you, I'm afraid I'm just going to have to ramble so that I actually get some feedback back to you instead of waiting for perfect. Hope there is something useful in here.
First of all, congratulations on finishing a script. Well done
You've taken the first step, and now you need to continue!
Your concept has some potential, but you need to work on your execution. Let me break that down into a couple of areas.
First, conflict. You don't have enough. You need shit loads more. Having that will also elevate your comedy. Right now, your scenes are dictated by what you think will be funny, and because of that, the world and characters don't ring quite true, and aren't funny. And since what you're creating isn't quite wacky enough to be completely out of the blue funny, it's not enough.
Create more conflict. Between the team. They are no longer in their prime. But all of them handle that pretty much the same way. You have slight variations, but go crazy with it. Have some one who "grew up." Have someone play the "fame game." Have someone suck at life.
Second, toss the psychiatrist. Through a window. Apparently, that might not go well, so you may have to open the window first. That narration adds NOTHING to the script. The introduction of the heroes is repeated with Nancy, and you're wasting precious time in general. Don't have the main guy, (Dave?), moping to a psychiatrist, show how his mopeyness
affects his behavior in particular situations.
Next, a couple of small things. Why hasn't Hollywood's current obsession with Superheroes affected them? They do live in a media filled world like hours (with the VH1 and all), right? I didn't really get the stuff with the mayor. What happens in the rest of the season? Does the psychiatrist stay? Do they have to fight someone?
Lastly, you need to work on your language a bit. It's not always clear what's happening where. And your sentences could flow a bit better and you could parse out information a bit better.
I hope you aren't discouraged by critical feedback. Things will get better with the next rewrite! And hopefully the feedback gives you ways to approach the rewrite. You can do it! So get to it!
Hope this was helpful. Apologies again for any incoherence. I'll be happy to clarify and answer any questions.
Good luck,
L
Oh, and I started writing more detailed notes on page 1, but couldn't continue. But I'll copy and paste below in case it's of any help.
Page 1
Glasses don’t necessarily indicate intelligence. Glasses are only part of an appearance that can indicate a nerd. Are you saying he has nerdy glasses? Also, it should be adjectives not verbs: “…are all perfect ADJECTIVES to describe him.”
How about changing up the first two paragraphs to:
DAVE BLONSKY (37) is lying down in a chair in a stereotypical shrink’s office. Nerdy glasses sit atop a face that screams has-been.
DOCTOR WATERS, the stereotypical shrink to go with the stereotypical shrink’s office, sits facing Dave.
You could change the above so that you say stereotypical shrink’s office only once, either when you say Dave is sitting or you introduce the doc.
You've taken the first step, and now you need to continue!
affects his behavior in particular situations.