marc
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Posts: 133
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Post by marc on Jan 30, 2011 3:07:23 GMT -5
Hi, this is a 27 page short based on a short story that I wrote in a sleepless night about a year ago. So I tried to adapt my own ramblings into a little movie that hopefully makes sense. I would be happy if you'd let me know what you think about it. I'd like to know how to improve dialogue (or my English in general), monologues (quite a few in there, not sure about them...), and all that. Thanks for reading Attachments:
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Post by Sean Z P Harris on Jan 30, 2011 5:05:08 GMT -5
Hi Marc,
I really liked it! This is the first script of yours I've read, but I'd be happy to read more of your work as liked your writing style - good verb choices that help create a vivid picture in my minds eye.
With regards to this story, my first impression upon finishing was that it felt a lot like a complete first act, probably because things start to get really interesting and intriguing towards the end, and then it stops.
It does work as a self contained story, but I'd like to see more.
But as the old saying goes, always leave them wanting more.
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marc
Full Member
Posts: 133
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Post by marc on Jan 30, 2011 16:03:55 GMT -5
Hey Sean, thank you. I'm glad you liked it. I'm thinking about a feature length script based on the things that happen in the end of this story, the whole Whitmarsh & Chester thing. Maybe one day. It's good to know that you wanted more and I'm happy that I didn't bore the crap out of you. I started some feature length scripts but never really finished one (there is this bad thing going on called writer's block ). But it will be my next project, to tackle one of these bastards. And hopefully I can post a "real" screenplay on this board, soon. Thanks again for reading and commenting so positively
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Post by Sean Z P Harris on Jan 30, 2011 16:29:41 GMT -5
Yeah, I think you should have a crack at making this into feature length. I'm interested to see the Whitmarsh & Chester thang works out, especially with the switches. Perhaps he's tempted to flip his wife's own switch back on? Interesting.
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marc
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Posts: 133
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Post by marc on Jan 30, 2011 18:07:42 GMT -5
or Joe has mopped the floor, Darren slips and accidentally hits a good dozen switches... oops! I already see a new title: Fatal Slapstick... we'll see^^
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Ben
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Posts: 22
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Post by Ben on Jan 31, 2011 0:09:28 GMT -5
I really enjoyed the read, Marc. I thought the dialogue, slugs, pacing etc were all very good. Don't stop at 27 pages, keep going!
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marc
Full Member
Posts: 133
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Post by marc on Jan 31, 2011 3:12:55 GMT -5
Thank you, Ben. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Hm, I never thought of it being a first act. But now that you guys make me think about it... I actually have an idea for what could happen next. Will brainstorm some more.
Thanks for encouraging me. I would have never thought of that, but maybe there is some more to squeeze out of that story.
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