Final Payment - Feature

[Sean Z P Harris]

Hi all!

I'm about to embark on the second draft of a feature I’m working on at the moment, so I’m looking for fresh eyes to take a peep , provide some feedback and make suggestions as to needs attention.

Here’s the logline:

A wily debt collector’s hopes of leaving his fathers business and starting a new life are shattered when a client kidnaps his daughter and forces him to deliver three special gifts to three special people.

I hope you like it! If it generates enough interest, I may look to get it shot later in the year.

Thanks for looking!

Attachments:

[Jeff Messerman]

Sean, giving it a gander today while my little ones are in swim class. Not sure if I can plow through it all today but I'll do my best!

[Sean Z P Harris]

Thanks for that, Jeff! I'd really appreciate your input.

[Ben]

Hey Sean - I've read it through, and overall for a first draft I thought it was pretty good. I loved the opening act, thought it painted a vivid picture, especially the loving relationship between father / daughter. Now to some amateur criticism: two things stood out for me.

Firstly, I didn't really buy into our protags response to having his daughter kidnapped - he seemed to get over it way too easily and just dived straight into the the tasks at hand. If I was in his place, I'd be an emotional wreck, but eventually accept the dilemma after agonizing over it for a while. There didn't seem to be enough desperation in his quest. Maybe he could do a few irrational things while delivering the three packages, just to hint at some inner turmoil.

Secondly, the ending threw me a fair bit. Maybe I missed something (I read it over several sittings) but I got lost when Dumas' people burst into the party. The pacing seemed to accelerate rapidly from the point when it's revealed that everyone's in on it - just was a little too rapid for me personally. I would've liked a teaser or two earlier on that something was amiss, just to build a sense of mystery and create some tension before it's all revealed.

Anyway, overall a great job. Better stuff than the rubbish I'm churning out at the moment!

[Sean Z P Harris]

Hi Ben! Thanks for the great critique.

I believe you're right on both counts. If anything, I feel there is need for a scene between Bill leaving Dumas's mansion, and arriving at the first client's house. Said scene should illustrate how traumatized Bill is and how he steels himself for the task ahead.

The problem I have here is that I've chosen to tell the story via a first person perspective, so Bill has no need to have C.M. roll the camera before visiting the first client. T's a bind, to be sure, but defiantly something I need to address. Your suggestion of having Bill act more irrational during the drop offs is a good idea.

I read this post by Scott Myers re. second drafts, and the first point he makes is:

* Story structure: Perhaps the first act is 45 pages long. Two big plot points in Act II feel too close together. The final act feels rushed. I spend a lot of time feeling my way through and reworking the story structure.

My first act is around 45 pages long, and as you pointed out, the end does feel rushed, so this is also definitely and area I need to look into (although people so far don't seem to mind the long first act too much).

Once again, thanks for your comments, Ben. I hope you'll look at the next draft when it's done.

[marc]

I finished reading it and made some notes. Will post them soon. Good stuff, though. I enjoyed it.

[Sean Z P Harris]

Thanks Marc! I really appreciate you taking the time. I know reading a feature is always a big ask!

Looking forward to reading your comments.

[marc]

Hi Sean,

I don't want to keep you in suspense any longer and try to come up with a little piece of critique for Final Payment.
It's a good read. It flows nicely and has a gripping story. I was able to relate to the characters and think that you did a great job with the dialogue. It sounded natural and was, if I may say so, perky.

But I also found some things that left me a little unsatisfied in the end. I will try to express these things as good as I can, since I'm sure no expert on these matters, I can only speak from my POV.

Okay, let's get into character

I really think the camera-thing is a cool idea. (Sense a lot of motion-sickness coming up.) It's good that you had a certain point of time (5 o'clock) where the protag had to meet his dad. So I had always a reference point and it justified the timer.

In the beginning, when you write "C.M. wheels around", do we see it from POV/Camera? Is our viewpoint through the cam throughout the whole picture? That confused me because on p. 8 we see C.M.'s expression. Which we shouldn't if he operated the cam. Maybe I missed something. The script has a feel that at least 85% are from Camera-POV but sometimes it wasn't obvious.

You had a clear three-act-structure. The first act seemed to be a tad too long, though. On page 20 I still wasn't sure where you were going and the real action, or mission, didn't start until p. 40. And so we are left with a fairly short second act. Maybe you can find a way to include some first act exposition into the beginning of the second act. Because right after the Dumas scene we're at Mr. Lane's house. I missed something in between. A little characterisation of Bill. How he reacts to the kidnapping of his daughter emotionally. Because he seemed a little indifferent here (it was already mentioned by Ben). I think it's a good chance to reveal exposition from the first act, show Bill's response when he's alone with C.M., and add character-depth. We see in the showdown, there he reacted how you'd expect a father to react.

Maybe cut the first introduction of his dad and the scene in the office a little bit and/or shift the David-Storyline into the second act. As some sort of assignment they have to do although Dumas has their balls already in a vice. So it would create a little time pressure here and would give him a reason to turn on the cam. Otherwise the scene serves to give us an impression of what they do and that's it (and it's okay as well). That is all just a suggestion. Wouldn't want to mess around with your story, blood

Your writing style is pretty distinct. I think I would recognize a Sean Z P Harris script if no name was on it. You play around with writer's intrusion. That's a controversial issue. Some people like it (I do, huge Shane Black fan) but one could argue that you only lose whitespace with it. Some readers might not respond too positively. I had no problem with it, but I thought I'd mention it (guess you know all that and opted for it nonetheless).

p. 30: maybe a little too obvious Pulp Fiction-quote. I like it, but I'm not sure if you get away with it. Quoting Tarantino is a delicate matter, your homage could become a rip-off pretty fast.

I don't want to analyze all the typos etc., but I'll point out two things that made me read the sentence twice:

p. 35: Does May 4th of May 2009 ring any bells with you?
p. 58: Mr. Watts accidentally is Mr. Lane

funny: When they call themselves Trollop and Millen: A british prime minister named Harold Macmillan was a devoted fan of the novelist Anthony Trollope (I came across this fact while procrastinating the read and doing Wikipedia research for one of my own projects and was like "Hmm, Trollope where did I hear that before?").

At the beginning of the Mr. Lane scene: "The car creeps to a halt outside a large, old house; the kind you find unexpectedly in the middle of a modern built-up estate, which, incidentally, is where Bill and C.M. find themselves." After the semicolon the sentence confused me.

I like it how you put the meeting with his dad in the middle of the movie. I expected it to be the showdown scene. But it was well placed as a break from the quest. Marcia being there is a nice choice. At the end of that scene on p. 70 Bill seems a little weak (not proactive). Maybe when Marcia is insulting his dad Bill should react with a little anger, grab her or something. Then she tells him to remember his little girl and better take it easy.

I like how that Mr. Watts story played out. How they had to take him with them in the trunk (or boot) and then "finished him off".
What was missing here a little bit was to close the storyline with Watts' wife. Maybe it can be minor: she comes back to see him beaten up, smiles and leaves him for good?

p. 86: How does Dumas know everything what they did without viewing the footage? (Maybe I just missed sth. but I had to think about it and lost the flow.)

So far, so good. Let's jump to the showdown:

You created a satisfying solution for the storyline of Bill and his dad. Mr. Ford's motives and how he tricked Bill into it. What left me puzzled was the conclusion of the Dumas-story. I didn't really get his motivation or who he was. I understand that he should remain a mystery but it felt a little too confusing. We rush into the showdown pretty fast. The flow was so smooth before, I was immersed in the story and wanted to proceed towards the finale, and all of a sudden a bunch of questions came up that made me go back and forth, re-read paragraphs, and brought me out of the story quite a bit. Why do all the party-guests have guns and why do they pull them out right at this point. How did Marcia get there and where does that briefcase come from? As I remember it wasn't set up anywhere before (or I didn't catch it?). The light emanating from it another Pulp-Fiction reference, right? But Tarantino copied that from some other film, too. At least that's what I heard.

But that's it so far. No further complaints.

I hope this helps you for your revisions. If you have any questions, something being unclear or where you think I was just flat-out wrong, let me know. I'm new to this critiquing-business myself and like to get better at it.

I really can imagine to see this on the silver screen one day. Good luck with it.

[Sean Z P Harris]

Hi Marc!

That, my friend, was some excellent critique.

You were spot on with your observations and you also echoed issues raise by most people who have read the script (especially with regards to the ending).

You also touched on issues I've been thinking about ever since I uploaded the script. It's funny how some problems only knock on the door of your consciousness when you know that virtually anyone in the world can now read what you've written.

I defiantly like the idea of Mr. Watt's wife coming back and finding him there tied up and beaten to shit. Originally, I did have Bill mention something about his wife as they left but I took it out. Actually having her turn up as they are about to leave is much better.

No need to counter anything you've said. As I was reading I just kept nodding to myself, agreeing with the comments laid out in front of me.

It is amusing how your eyes play tricks on you. I read the line "Does May 4th of May 2009 ring any bells with you?" twice thinking what's wrong with it until I noticed I'd written May twice. What a fool! I think this maybe because this date is actually my birthday so it's a date I've seen many times. Guess the brain just skipped over it. Will change the date in the next draft.

You were right about the suitcase. It wasn't setup before and is a blatant nod to Pulp Fiction. I was trying to intimate that Mr. Ford was helping Dumas' daughter with a problem we never find out about, but I think this was played too heavy handedly toward the end. You're right in that he - and his daughter - were to remain something of a mystery, but I've gone and made that mystery to esoteric. Will reign that in on the second draft along with getting rid of most of the guns. I've been told that the story is a good drama that dissolves into melodrama toward the end for no other reason than I wanted to go out on some sort of bang, which is true. Remove the guns and dig deeper into the drama seems to be the way forward.

It's probably a good thing I didn't go with my original ending. Everyone except C.M. died (although this did tie in with the Hamlet line toward the beginning).

Once again Marc, thanks for taking the time to read and come back with such excellent comments. I know it's a big ask, but I can't help but believe that the second draft will be all the more stronger for everyone's input.

Cheers mate!

[singsalsing]

Hi Sean,

Well, this is a double first for me...
1, I actually made it through to the end
2, I actually felt compelled to comment.

I don't really have too much to add to what Ben and Marc already contributed but there were just a few little things that jarred with me...
- You need to double check all your locations. When Bill and C.M return to Dumas' place you have different scene headings. You really want to keep these consistent.
- Lisa and other characters refer to Bill's meeting with his Dad as lunch but the meeting is set for 5pm which is surely dinner-time!
- There are quite a few discrepancies with camera shots where you state the character dialogue is O.S. but you then have their action on screen.
- Personally, I think you need to introduce your characters in the scene description and I'd prefer to have the dialogue named rather than switching from e.g. DEEP VOICE (O.S) to MR FORD once he is revealed on screen. You did this a couple of times with different characters and it slowed the flow for me.

Your dialogue seemed natural especially the banter between Bill and C.M. however, I think you need to look at the news item dialogue. This twanged a nerve for me - it didn't quite flow right.

I liked the story as a whole but something went a little wrong for me around p98 onwards. From the moment Mr Ford started explaining himself my disbelief was no longer suspended! I didn't buy that this man had set up his son to recruit him into a secret vigilante society. I didn't get how he had got Becca back from Dumas. I missed why Dumas went mad at Ford over Marcia. There was so much exposition needed in the final act that it was all a little rushed and jumbled for me. I really think you need to introduce some of this back story earlier.

I liked the big shoot out at the end and the police storming in and I especially loved the final seconds with Smithy. However, I don't think Riot Police would be called in to raid premises so you might want to re-check police procedures and also check paramedic procedures 'cos some of their dialogue is a bit iffy!

Finally, because I am a woman and you know how pernickety us women can be... please please please proof read thoroughly. Spell check is not enough. You have lots of spelling and grammar errors and it drove me mad.

Contrary to how all that sounds, I actually really enjoyed reading your script. The style and pace reminded me a little of Guy Richie and all the time I was reading I was imagining Danny Dyer as Bill! I wish you well with this. I'd really like to see this brought to life.

Sally

[Sean Z P Harris]

Hi Sally!


Thanks for the great feedback. I'm glad you managed to read all of it and that it moved you to comment. Kudos on the double first!

As with Ben and Marc, I don't feel I need to counter your remarks as they all make sense, but a such long and detailed critique deserves a response.

The lunch thing came about subconsciously. The scene takes place half way through the script so part of my mind equated this to half-way-through-the-day. Will sort that out.

I shall have to go back over the camera directions again re. OS characters. In the the very first draft I had had camera directions littering every page, so I took most of those out I felt weren't necessary. However, a number of people made similar remarks as your good self, and they also mentioned that they couldn't tell if particular moments were 1st person or 3rd person. I need to address this issue in the next draft, but it does lead me on to another issue ...

Basically, the whole flick is supposed be seen though the camcorder ala Cloverfield. This was a decision I took as, unlike most spec writers (I imagine), I wanna film this flick myself. I thought that shooting everything from a camcorders perspective would lower the budget, which it probably does.

However, it also means I've painted myself into a corner in that I always have to find reasons to keep the camera rolling. For instance, in the normal scheme of things I would have a scene just before they meet Mr Lane to show how devastated Bill is at Becca's loss. But why would C.M. turn the camera on to record that?

I'm seriously considering ditching the whole first person angle. I'll keep the camcorder in there as it's a major plot point, but allowing myself to remain predominantly in 3rd person will allow me much more breathing space. It will also allow me to time cut more often as well.

It's funny you mention the DEEP VOICE approach to introducing characters. I had no problem with introducing both Bill and C.M. in scene description. I felt that the times I didn't declare names in description created an air of mystery, but as you pointed out, it probably slows the flow.

The ending seems to be the biggest problem for most people by far. Rushed and jumbled seems to sum it up quite well. I knew it ended quickly, but it's amazing how I ever thought people would understand what was going on with only a smattering of incredibly light clues to go on. This back story is quite clear in my mind, but it is all forced on readers in the final act. This is the section that will defiantly need the most work and will lead to revisions through out so I can ease the Dumas/Marcia sub-plot in.

Talking of which. I'm not sure if it comes across but Dumas and Mr Ford are in cahoots all along. Becca probably went straight to Mr Ford's house when she was taken and Marcia was keeping on eye on on Bill/C.M though out the day so Dumas knows exactly what they got up to. The deal between Dumas and Mr Ford must be something to do with money and Marcia as Dumas believes he has been betrayed when he learns the Mr Ford is bankrupt. At some point before crashing Mr Ford's ball he discovers that Marcia has herself been kidnapped, and believes this was the work of Mr Ford in some sort of double-cross, hence turning up with 20 armed men. Smithy, who is parked outside, sees this army go in and alerts the Riot team. Most (if not all) of this hasn't been worked into the story well enough, hence everyone's confusion. I'm thinking that if I do ditch the 1st person only approach I can add scenes that will help convey the above information (Dumas returning home with this men to discover Marcia has been taken, for example).

I was beginning to get the feeling that most people felt that the shoot out at the end was way over the top and not in keeping with the rest of the film. I thought it was exciting when I first wrote it, but people didn't like the members of the ball carrying guns. I can see their point. I thought it would look quite spectacular, even if most of it took place off screen (for budget reasons). I still like the idea of the "Welcome back, Bill!" ball, but having them all armed with guns does seem a bit OTT. Still, I'm glad someone else liked it!

I'm very happy that you liked the story, Sally, and I hope the second draft will address the main issues that you and everyone else have raised.

Danny Dyer is a good shout! I can really imagine him in the role of Bill.

Once again, thanks Sally for the read and for the insightful and detailed feedback. Any other you thoughts you have (and this goes for everyone), please don't hesitate in letting me know.

I read recently that you shouldn't let people read your first draft, but I have to disagree. I'm now armed with a boat load of information, and I can't help but think that the re-write will be so much better for everyone's input.

Cheers!

[singsalsing]

Sean

Just a thought, but you don't have to write in a whole scene showing Bill freaking out over Becca being taken. A subtler, simple and cheaper option would be to use C.M. A simple piece of dialogue at the beginning of the following scene, such as " You sorted now, blood? You scared the shit out of me." is all you need to show Bill totally freaked. Maybe even C.M. panning round to show some distruction Bill left in his wake! A door with the shit punched and kicked out of it is enough to plant the idea.

As for slipping in exposition earlier, you could always have the camera left on a table or chair while conversations are happening off screen. As if C.M. put the camera down and forgot to turn it off.

I love the whole concept of the camcorder. Whatever else you change, don't give up on that.
Sally

[marc]

Hi,

I agree with Sally, don't give up on the camcorder concept. I like her idea of showing some aftermath of Bill's reaction. I think it will be more compelling if you come up with some creative solution to sneak in exposition, instead of giving up your first person approach for the sake of dishing it out. Also I feel if you have a clear high-resolution camera picture, intercuts with the camcorder would be a little annoying for the viewer, because all of a sudden it's all shaky and gritty. If you keep it constantly shot on camcorder, people will get used to it.

I didn't have a prob with DEEP VOICE, never realized it, really. But if you put in Mr. Ford right away it will be clear and it will remain mysterious for the audience anyway.

Also have to agree that I liked the final seconds with Smithy. If you change to a "third person" narration you probably have to have another ending since the camcorder isn't your main device anymore (just wondering).

That Mr. Ford and Dumas were in it together was clear to me. Also that he felt betrayed in the end. I also got that it had something to do with Marcia and money, and that Marcia was following them throughout their journey... But I think you should find a way to make all that more clear.
The guns in the end are okay, but you have to set them up a little better so that it's more believable. Because at first they're all like "Welcome back" and then they draw their guns all of a sudden. Didn't make sense to me.

But most important I feel not to give up the first person thing... but of course you can try a draft if you feel like it... maybe it turns out great. But I bet you will get back to your initial approach

[Sean Z P Harris]

Thanks again Sally and Marc.

Keeping the first person perspective would significantly increase my chances of getting this flick shot myself - something I wanted to do from the outset.

I'm also toying with the idea of replacing two locations. Most of the flick takes place in houses, but two locations are mansions. I don't know anyone with a mansion!

So I'm thinking of relocating the last act to somewhere more accessible, although I'm not sure where at present. Somewhere exciting but affordable, like a hotel, or something. Hmm....