oz
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Posts: 166
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Dec 8, 2010 23:49:22 GMT -5
Post by oz on Dec 8, 2010 23:49:22 GMT -5
Hi Andrey
Downloaded the pages and hope to get to them tomorrow or Friday. Looking forward to your latest! ; )
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Post by openup on Dec 9, 2010 0:09:28 GMT -5
Hey Donna! Thanks! Looking forward to your critique! By the way: long time no see, so... Welcome back!
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oz
Full Member
Posts: 166
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Dec 21, 2010 1:30:37 GMT -5
Post by oz on Dec 21, 2010 1:30:37 GMT -5
Andrey, my sincere apology. Time got away from me and I probably won't look at your pages until after Saturday although I'll post if it happens sooner. The best laid plans....
Happy holidays to you, my friend.
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Dec 21, 2010 2:16:23 GMT -5
Post by openup on Dec 21, 2010 2:16:23 GMT -5
Hey Donna! Please, don't apologize! You're a busy person, I'm sure! I mean, thanks for even offering to read it! And Happy Holidays to you too! I wish you all the best, and a good time with whoever you're spending it with!
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Jan 2, 2011 14:28:44 GMT -5
Post by anonymous1234 on Jan 2, 2011 14:28:44 GMT -5
Hey, I'm about half way done and hope to finish it soon.
Just so that I don't come empty handed here are my first impressions:
The Good (from the first 50 pages): (1) A great concept - I love this concept. There is so much to do with this. (2) You are an excellent action writer. You really express what is going on (I say more about this later). You understand that action is definitely a strong point of yours and go with it. (3) A very strong opening - I am a big fan of your opening. Right from the beginning I am interested and want to know more.
The Big Areas of Improvement (from the first 50 pages): (1) I think that you take the "show don't tell" advice a little too seriously. There is very little dialogue and frankly it makes it a little harder to read. I can understand that you are just following Screenwriting 101 but when you have ONLY action it makes it boring. Also, there are action pieces that have things like "He gives her a "I don't care" expression". Don't tell me that he gives her an expression mostly expressed in dialogue. Just have him say it to her. It is much more fun to read something when the action is interspersed with talking. (2) I never get to know any of these characters. I attribute this to the lack of dialogue, but there is very little character depth. I need to get more into these characters if I want to feel for them and care about what happens to them. (3) I understand that the compass is magical and is leading them in their direction in life, but it just struck me that compasses only point to the west. It just didn't make much sense to me that the compass was pointing in other directions. (4) You are beating the message to death. I get that they don't know where they are in life. It's not necessary to continue to tell me. (5) You dialogue could use some work. I understand that you are much more of an action writer, but you need both (as stated earlier).
(A Suggestion: Make the bad guys (I am writing this without the script in front of me and I apologize but the names are eluding me right now) more central. Make the story a little more of a cat and mouse between these characters. They are there and then they disappear. Just my two cents)
Conclusion (I will redo this if anything changes because remember: THESE ARE JUST FIRST IMPRESSIONS SO THAT YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY IS IGNORING YOUR WRITING) -You are a good writer and you write action well. You also have a clever premise with an interesting gimmick (I don't mean that negatively). However, I would centralize your plot and make it a little easier on the eyes and with more just going on. Without dialogue there are no characters and it's just harder to understand what is going on.
Hope this helps. And keep in mind THESE ARE JUST ONE MAN'S OPINIONS. I COULD BE COMPLETELY WRONG ON THIS.
Good luck and I'll post when I finish (hopefully soon), Anonymous1234
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Post by openup on Jan 3, 2011 1:27:37 GMT -5
Hey, Anonymous! And thanks for your input! I'll wait until you finish it, and see it through to the end, to tell me what you think about it altogether. Still, some of the things you said resonate well. That's also because some of them were in my head too, and I wanted to see if someone would confirm my worries. Thank you again! It's nice to see that someone is reading! And your "One Man's Opinions" are not just most welcome, they're most useful, and not wrong at all! And by the way, Happy 2011! (it's not late yet, I suppose. )
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Jan 6, 2011 23:08:32 GMT -5
Post by anonymous1234 on Jan 6, 2011 23:08:32 GMT -5
Hey again, So I finished your script. And I have a few more things to say.
First off, I'd like to apologize for not getting to it earlier. School vacation ended and my time went away and...
Alright. I think I understood the plot. But I also had a very difficult time understanding what exactly you were trying to say. It looked like Jason was the bad guy but then it appeared that you were saying that he could be redeemed if he faced his fears...
Maybe I'm ignorant, but I had tremendous difficulty understanding exactly what was going on and the message.
I would be very interested if you could reply and tell me exactly what you were trying to do (and what happened) with the whole Gonzo + Marvin VS. Jason thing. I was thoroughly confused. Also, how did Persephone's dad know Marvin and Gonzo? And is the whole island in Jason's head? Right? He's just trying to get over his guilt? Or did I completely misunderstand that?
I apologize for my ignorance, but this is one readers' opinion.
I LOVED the last (I think) 10 pages in story. I thought the reveal was well done and the whole rewind with the Jason voice-over was very apropos. However, again, I didn't quite get the ending.
I do have a few more suggestions: (1) You need to work on your dialogue. It sounds either cheesy or ridiculous. And I know I spent a a lot of time dealing with this in last post but I'll say it again. GIVE ME MORE DIALOGUE AND LESS ACTION. (2) The poetry - I understand why you chose to do it, and I mean no offense by this, but I would get rid of it. It didn't add anything to the story and just kind of came out of the blue. (3) Take out the line of dialogue about the island being alive. It literally added ZERO to the story and just brought me out of it. When I read that I immediatly had to just go "Oh! Give me a break!"
Alright, that's all I can think of right now and I do really want to hear you reply to my confusion.
Good Luck, Anonymous1234
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Post by openup on Jan 7, 2011 0:12:50 GMT -5
Hey Anonymous! And thanks for reading it! I totally agree on the school vacations comment, since the same happened to me here. ;D Yeah, you're right about Jason. He could be redeemed if, in the end, he faced his fears, and got over his guilt. Your dialogue comment: noted! To be honest, that's one of the things I wanted to do upon the next rewrite, so thanks for confirming my suspicions about it! I'll erase that "Alive" line, but about the poetry: I'll wait and see, if someone else reads it, on the board, and their comments. Just to see if it works for someone else, for example. No offence meant! I see your point. And if no one replies, I'll probably do what you suggested, and take it out. Now, to answer your other question: Yes, the Network is a "superficial" entity. Since Jason was the one to kill (even if accidentally) Persephone, their lives overlapped, at that very moment, and that's why they're together in the Network. And their fears, while they're not supposed to, also got entangled. To put it more simply: the accident "unified" them, and their fears. The Father, and Marvin, Gonzo, & the rest, don't know each other. They're just forced to meet, just like P & J, because of that unexpected turn of events (J killing P), and because Persephone becomes Jason's fear, since she now also is one of the people he hurt... I hope it makes sense now... (?) To be honest, about that, I wanted it to be "not easy to grasp". You know, if people scratch their heads a bit, afterwards, and try to connect all the dots, that's something I intended to do. Now, I'm saying this, because I see that you actually got the whole idea, but... What do you think? Should it be clearer? Should I work on the exposition, during the next rewrite, and try to add some of the things I just told you, so that the "dot-connecting" would be easier in the end? And thank you again for reading it! You're the first, actually, to do so, and everything you said is very helpful, and I hope nothing I said made you think otherwise. If I did, I'm sorry.
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