violet
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Post by violet on Mar 22, 2010 15:27:39 GMT -5
EDIT: Good news! I shot and edited this film, and an almost-finished cut is up on vimeo. If you're interested you can check it out here:
vimeo.com/14980256 password: freezingwind
I'd love to hear what you think, and if it looks anything like what you imagined while reading the script. Another three minute short. I'm shooting this in 2 days, so any advice would be GREATLY appreciated. Title: The Parking Lot Genre: Suspense/Romance Log/Tagline: You're always alone. Or are you? Attachments:
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Post by songswithoutwords on Mar 22, 2010 16:08:14 GMT -5
I didn't get it at first. Then I got it and I thought "Oooh".
Worked for me. Writing-wise, I would remove some superfluous stuff like "The cigarette is lit". But, as you're shooting it yourself and there's only one word of dialogue, who gives a damn about a detail like that? The point comes across.
Sorry I don't have any advice to offer. Can we see it when it's done?
I've also written/directed short films and found it interesting to see what does and does not translate to the screen. Would love to know your own impression about what worked and didn't, as a director of your own material.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2010 16:11:29 GMT -5
I also didn't get it at first, but then realized what was going on. Nice twist.
Would also be interested to see how this plays out on film.
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violet
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Post by violet on Mar 22, 2010 17:31:37 GMT -5
I will definitely be sure to post the link to the full video once I'm done.
If I may ask, what was confusing? What did you think was happening?
Thanks for taking the time to read it!!! ;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2010 17:43:08 GMT -5
I think the mystery of what is happening is part of the story.
What the hell is that guy doing? Why is she sitting on the hood of her car in the middle of the night? Is she a drug user? Is she a...Ohhhhhhh. Ok..
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Post by songswithoutwords on Mar 23, 2010 0:22:01 GMT -5
I agree with brain. The mystery is important. The end is confusing for a few seconds while the reader/viewer pieces the puzzle together. But all the clues are there. The things I like about this are: 1) It does make sense. When the viewer figures out what's going on, it's a nice twist. 2) Not only does the reader (me in this case) respect you for the twist, but they get to feel good about themselves for figuring out what just happened 3) I doubt anyone would misunderstand the ending. It's not confusing, it just takes a few moments to piece it together. I thought it would be a standard drug story and was getting ready to be disappointed when you hit me out of the blue with the actual meaning of what was going on. In other words: Adding more clarity will ruin it in my opinion. Letting the viewer think it's a drug deal or an attack or anything else, sets up the ending very well.
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Post by lizzo1014 on Mar 23, 2010 16:25:49 GMT -5
Okay, I may be dense but is he her ex-boyfriend returning a trinket?
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violet
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Posts: 99
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Post by violet on Mar 23, 2010 19:13:28 GMT -5
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Post by rdsarna on May 7, 2010 3:18:41 GMT -5
Hey, I really like the style in this script. It kept me engaged, even though the stuff that was happening would not usually spark my interest. And the pay off was intelligent. Cool script overall. Waiting to see the film.
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violet
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Posts: 99
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Post by violet on Sept 15, 2010 13:41:42 GMT -5
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Post by napolyphonic on Sept 15, 2010 16:28:23 GMT -5
This is the first I've seen of this, so I may be a little late, but...
I watched the film first and initial impression: boring. I think that's really because of the music, though. Because of the music, I didn't get any impression of mystery. The only thing that was even a little unexpected was the bracelet instead of drugs twist. Because of the music, I knew they had met before and that it was going to be a drug story or a break-up story. It ended up being a dramatized break-up. Not my fave, if you know what I mean. And if it had been a drug story, it would've felt like a DARE commercial.
The script: Again, over-dramatized. I get sick of reading every little tiny bit of detail about the cigarette lighting and smoking and picking at threads and sadly staring into the asphalt of the parking lot on the hood of the car alone in the middle of the night. It's a one page script you somehow stretched into three. With shorts, there needs to be more story, less character development.
The good/great: Your writing style. Good flow, nice choice of words. I like it. I want to see it applied to a real story, something I can really get sucked into.
I give you muchos kudos for making your own movie. It's hard to come up with stuff that's filmable on zero budget. So please keep it up. Keep writing and coming up with better stories.
-G
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violet
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Post by violet on Sept 15, 2010 16:35:03 GMT -5
thanks so much for taking the time to check it out! I'll keep this in mind for the next one.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2010 22:18:26 GMT -5
I would have to agree with G on the music.
I recall the script being much more suspenseful until the last minute when we were finally able to see what it was all about.
With the music it feels like you are remaking a Lady Gaga video. There is much less suspense.
But with that being said, it still has a very cool vibe to it. I like the grainy feel to it.
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LF
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Post by LF on Sept 19, 2010 0:22:27 GMT -5
I'm one who watched your short without reading the script (I read it after).
The music made me think it was a drug deal, maybe cuz I was thinking too much into it lol and thought hey she's linking drugs with love/bad romance. Normally, if you had your reveal with that song, I would have been extremely disappointed. This time, I wasn't, just because the song made me think it was a drug deal and it wasn't and yeaaah it's weird.
You should try watching it without sound. I think it works without the song too. Maybe no song and sound? But from the looks of it, it was windy and you probably couldn't get good sound. Is that a reason for your choice of song over the whole thing?
I like how you hold the shot of the girl looking at the guy walking away. The cut into the close up of the girl when the guy first meets her is nice, though somethings off in the cut back to the wider shot. I was missing a counter shot of his face after the close up of her face, but I can see why you wouldn't want that. You are trying to keep the mystery of their relationship going and that missing shot helps sell the drug deal setup.
Good job on writing and making it! Keep going! L
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violet
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Posts: 99
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Post by violet on Oct 6, 2010 14:33:45 GMT -5
LF, The wind was definitely a factor in putting music over the entire video. Originally, it was supposed to be completely silent, only diagetic sound of wind/street noises. After the wind I tried out a bunch of different songs, and none of them fit until I stumbled on this one, which I thought matched the mood perfectly. But I originally cut it without music, so it should work as silent as well. Thanks for your feedback!
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